ET FOUND IN URANUS

DONALD Trump is a one-man story who just refuses to stop giving.

Last week it emerged that while president, old Donnie considered quarantining Americans infected with Covid on Guantánamo Bay. “Don’t we have an island that we own? What about Guantánamo?” the president asked when debating where to send US citizens who had the virus in February last year. “We import goods,” Trump, left, told his staff in the Situation Room. “We are not going to import a virus.” Not content, he brought up the idea a second time, forcing aides to quash the plan, fearing a backlash over putting members of the public on the same island as terrorism suspects. Don’t they have an island they can stick Trump on?

LAST month, a Florida man was arrested after jailers discovered four “crystal rocks” of methamphetamine he had sneakily stashed.

The 30-year-old, whose rap sheet includes more than a dozen drug convictions, was found to have hidden them in his tackle. Amusingly, the accused is called Shaft Bang Adams.

A HUNGRY New Hampshire diner who ordered a drink, two chilli dogs and fried pickle chips all for £27 left a staggering £11,500 tip.

Staff at the Stumble Inn Bar and Grill in Londonderry thought it was a mistake until the anonymous man told them: “I want you to have it, you guys work hard.”

TECH geeks in San Francisco have started offering robot manicures, an automated way to get your nails done. The procedure takes about 10 minutes and costs less than £7.

CALIFORNIAN Maddie Mcgivern checked her bank balance last week to find she was $49,999,999,697.98 in arrears. A spokesperson for Chase bank confirmed the astronomical amount was due to a “technical glitch.” Phew.

WASHING powder makers at Tide have teamed up with Nasa to figure out how to wash an astronaut’s smalls in space.

Currently, they don’t clean their underwear, wearing them for the entire length of their mission before binning them back on earth. Talk about pigs in space.