Pain of losing a baby has never left me

I READ the Derby Telegraph every day, but today I felt compelled to put my thoughts into writing. It probably comes because of how I am feeling at this moment in time on reading of the Duchess of Sussex revealing she had a miscarriage earlier this year.

It never goes away.

I am an 84-year-old widow who had a stillbirth and a miscarriage over 50 years ago. My husband’s first wife died in childbirth.

I always remember my son’s birthday. I go to the Nottingham Road cemetery, where he is buried somewhere (the authorities are not sure where) with five other babies, and leave a rose in the grass.

There was no help in the 1960s. I was in the Nightingale Maternity hospital, transferred to the City hospital, as it was then, and he was born on the due date by forceps delivery. Had he survived he would have lived with severe brain damage – I often wonder what kind of mum I would have been! I was put into a small ward with a new mum and her baby. When I went home the midwife called to see how the new baby was doing – lack of communication, there was a letter on the shelf for when she visited.

About 30 years later, after changing jobs, I had a sudden urge to find out where my son was buried. There was a death certificate and a receipt for a small coffin so I had somewhere to start. My husband and I never talked about our son; my husband always shut “problems” like this away. He did not want to talk about them.

After my husband died in 2013 I felt bereft: no family – a brother, but 10 years younger than me and he had always lived away, and our “adopted” family, but that did not help. We had had a good life and spent wonderful times and holidays (Isles of Scilly being a favourite), especially when this young family came to live next door to us, we were very much like grandparents (my adopted family still loving and caring to me).

I was told of Sands (stillbirth and neonatal death charity) and visited their garden at the National Memorial Arboretum in Alrewas, then contacted them locally. I met with a lovely young lady who was a great help to me. After talking, we lit a small candle (which I light on my son’s birthday) and sat quietly, reflected on the past and what I had talked about. In 2014 Sands published a booklet called “Long ago bereaved”; until I read this I had not realised there were so many women who had and were still going through what I was living through. It is still very painful.

Today parents have much more support on the death of a child but it still does not take the pain away. As time goes on it becomes easier but it never goes away.

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