‘Matt Busby’ made me think... what should my alias be?
ONE of the jobs I do here at the Telegraph is to sift through the magistrates’ court papers and produce the regular “who’s been convicted of what?” pieces popular with our readers.
This is done because, contrary to popular belief, I don’t know what every single case in every single one of our courts is. There are more than 10 courtrooms at St Mary’s Gate and another four at Derby Crown in The Morledge where I spend 95% of my working life – albeit remotely for the past year.
And there is just one of me. So when I get a snotty email or Facebook message from someone, asking me why I haven’t covered the single case that individual is interested in, that’s why.
I cannot be in more than 14 places at one time, although logging in remotely has enabled me to invent a new phrase: “double laptopping”, which I occasionally have to do so that I can listen in on one case while keeping a careful eye on a trial I might be covering.
As you know, the offences which are judged to be less serious in the eyes of the law are kept at magistrates’ court and the more serious ones are sent to crown. What I receive most weeks is a huge file of the results from the lower court from the previous week or, sometimes, fortnight.
I then painstakingly sit and transpose the court papers into a readable form for you, so you can see if one of your neighbour’s children has been found scrapping in the city centre, or an ex-boss has been caught drink-driving.
They are meat and drink stories which have proved to be hugely popular in local newspapers for decades. However, one of the fascinating aspects of sifting through said lists is quite how many people have aliases.
On the list there might be, for
example, a Bill Bloggs. His address is there, his date of birth and details of the offence he has either been convicted of or charged with.
But also there is a box which reads “alias” and next to it could be “Big Bill” or “Billy B” – genuine names he is known by to his family, friends – and Derbyshire police.
This week I came across an absolute beauty. I won’t give the man’s real name but he has been charged with a driving offence. He lives out of the area and has a pretty regular name that you might find anywhere. His alias, though, is Matt Busby.
This young man from north of Derbyshire, whose real name I can assure you is nothing like his alias, is known by the name of the former Manchester United manager.
Presumably he’s a fan of the Red Devils, or maybe he bears an uncanny resemblance to the celebrated boss who led the side to European Cup glory on the very day I was born?
Then I started to wonder what alias I might have, had I chosen a criminal career.
If I had been one to steal booze from the supermarket shelves of Asda, as I see on an all too frequent a basis, perhaps I would have been known as “Fingers”?
Perhaps I would have been called “Wheels” if I had led a tearaway life of motoring crime?
I am certainly not trying to make light of the serious matters that bring lawbreakers in front of the magistrates or judges, I was simply fascinated as to how someone would come to be known as Matt Busby when his real name is light years away from that.
The courts results list I receive and turn into readable content, just like the cases I physically cover, can be heartbreaking, gruesome and tear jerking.
But one thing they never fail to be is utterly fascinating.
If I had been one to steal booze from Asda, perhaps I would have been known as ‘Fingers’?