Trans woman says she was forced to choose between family and true self
A TRANS woman from Derbyshire has spoken about leaving her family home to live freely as herself.
Pax Hallow came to terms with her gender identity during the lockdown and has moved out to begin her transition.
Pax, who is 21 years old, was raised in what she calls a “high-controlled religious group” and says she did not even know what being transgender was until the start of the pandemic. However, she said that she always felt uncomfortable in herself.
The Derby Telegraph has restricted much of Pax’s personal information to prevent her from being outed.
Pax said: “While I’ve had a lot of difficulty with my family and trying to communicate that I don’t want to be a part of the religion that they sort of raised me in, they give me a lot of grief over it.
“I’m not out to them as trans and so it’s put me in a bit of a weird spot.”
She said: “My family haven’t cut me off completely. Like they are still talking to me a bit but they have made it clear to me that if I cross any lines, they would follow the organisation’s protocol. I’m very conscious of that and want to maybe try and avoid that if I can.
“I would describe it as a high control religious group. Ultimately the world is very black and white and you are either in or out of the group.
“You are either part of the organisation, part of the truth and you are going to receive all the rewards and stuff that comes at the end of things or you are part of the world and you know, you will be destroyed.
“That is what I grew up with really, that the world around me was temporary and I mean, it is not a healthy outlook and it really affected me. And like a lot of transgender people, at the same time as I was having a crisis of faith during the pandemic, I realised that I was trans as well.”
Pax says she soon realised that in order to safely transition, she would need to live independently.
She said: “I realised that I had to materially try and find some sort of way to support myself because prior I had taken a part-time job because that is what is encouraged and my entire support network was inside of the organisation.
“I had to spend a lot of time over the pandemic and recently trying to organise myself and my finances and my time so that I could move out into my own home and I can transition safely.
“This is often the case for a lot of transgender people is that because they have a bigoted family, they can’t transition until they leave. A lot of trans people don’t have the material support that they could be getting if they remained closeted.
“I’ve just about managed to get myself above board so that I could pay for my own place but I don’t have enough money to actually transition on a timeline that would be ideal.
“Obviously you can use the NHS but the NHS has separated transgender healthcare from cis-gender healthcare.”
Cis-gender refers to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender corresponds with the sex that they were assigned at birth.
Pax explained: “Stuff like hormone replacement therapy or breast enlargement, these things are provided to cis-gender people who go to their local GP and say ‘Hi, I’d like to have hormone replacement therapy because I don’t feel comfortable in my body.’
“If a transgender person goes to a doctor and says ‘I don’t feel comfortable and I would like to receive hormone replacement therapy,’ they refer you to a separate clinic that is underfunded and you have to wait years to be seen.
“For trans people, time is everything and because you have to carry on living life without healthcare that you desire and would benefit you and crucially makes life safe for trans people to live as themselves.
“I could come out right now to everybody in my life and say ‘Hi, I’m a trans woman and I want to dress this way and wear these clothes and use these pronouns and use this name but I put myself in a level of insecurity. I certainly don’t pass right now and if I had the healthcare that I need in a prompt way, that wouldn’t be an issue.”
Passing, in the context of transgender issues, is when someone is perceived as a gender or sex other than the sex they were assigned at birth.
Pax said: “It is the case that some transgender people do end up at risk either of hurting themselves or being hurt by other people because they are just trying to live their lives but they haven’t had treatments which would help them.”
Members of the public can donate to Pax’s fundraiser on the Go Fund Me website.