I AM MADEMOISELLE

Our columnist is on a five-week mission for wedding-perfect arms

Our columnist discovers a new way to power up for her wedding day

I’M FROM A LONG LINE of bingo-winged women, so upper arm flab is in my genes (at least that’s what I tell myself). As such, I’ve avoided wearing off-the-shoulder sleeveless everything my entire life. But when we brought our wedding date forward to June, Bridezilla here suddenly fancied wearing an arm-revealing wedding dress. Who. Am. I?

My mind may be in bed with a Krispy Kreme doughnut, but my body is in Notting Hill at Bodyism, brainchild of celebrity trainer James Duigan, where I’ll be five times a week for the next five weeks. It may sound exclusive, but Bodyism is a global fitness brand anyone can buy into. Even if you’re on a budget or not based in London, you can follow the programme through one of his books. That’s how I first discovered Duigan three years ago. As my second child turned two, I couldn’t shift the last 16 pounds of baby weight. In a funk, I took to Google, where I discovered the Clean & Lean

Diet book – I was back at my pre-baby weight in eight weeks. Best £13 I’ve ever spent.

So I know his eating plan actually works. But if I work out hard enough, will I have hot wedding arms in only five weeks? My schedule is jam-packed: Monday, Pilates; Tuesday, boxing; Wednesday, an hour with a personal trainer; Thursday, high-intensity movement in a Bodyism Blueprint class; Friday, fascial stretch therapy, during which I get to lie down for an hour and exercise my tongue – yackity yack yack yack. Apart from how surprisingly friendly and unpretentious the place is – and the fact there’s an air-conditioning unit pumping out pure oxygen, plus coconut oil in the coffee – what strikes me most is all the positive affirmations posted across the walls, tote bags and T-shirts. But why, I wonder?

‘Love and gratitude’ may be their attitude, but I’m here to train, I think, as I push myself to the limit, thwacking the living daylights out of the instructor’s boxing pads at my first class. I’ve always loved aggressive exercise – marathon running, HIIT – so it’s new to discover that, aside from the boxing, exercise at Bodyism is a lot gentler on the body. Being kinder to my body feels like an alien concept; I’ll admit, I’m often guilty of pointing out my own flaws. ‘I hate my effing arms!’ I screech at the mirror during Pilates, arms jiggling like a dart champion’s belly trying to escape a too-tight vest top. With a face etched in despair, I yank the reformer up and out. ‘OH MY GOODNESS, STOP!’ shouts Paola, an extremely fit-looking instructor who has the kind of taut, Oscarwinning arms I’ve always dreamed of. ‘Your arms are listening! Tell them you love them.’ I gawp at her. Apparently, using expletives to describe one’s body parts is illegal here. ‘Err, I love you, arms.’ One large glass of positive affirmation Kool-Aid coming right up!

After an hour on the reformer, the next morning my arms feel tighter, more compact – as does my stomach. OMG, this is how Madonna must have felt when she discovered Pilates! After three weeks, my hard work is beginning to pay off: I feel stronger, can hold a plank for ages and do a pretty decent set of push-ups. But surely there has to be a quick-fix solution?

A while ago, I read about Cool Sculpt, the non-surgical fat-reduction procedure that freezes fat cells. No offence, Bodyism, but I book an appointment to see a practitioner. During a 30-minute consultation, the nurse describes the ‘uncomfortable push and pull of the suction pads, which are placed on each arm as they freeze roughly 25 per cent of the fat cells in the area’. Apparently, ‘skin may lose elasticity with fat reduction’. Saggy arms, anyone? Sod that and sod spending thousands when the ‘before’ photos look almost the same as the ‘after’ shots! Our bodily hang-ups can leave us vulnerable to expensive treatments that over-promise on results – in my opinion, this is one of them. I slather my arms in Immunocologie’s musky-smelling Body Serum instead; it’s a dry oil that leaves my arms feeling silky and my mood lifted, all without having to re-mortgage the house.

After five weeks at Bodyism, I am firmer, happier and way stronger – but no, I do not possess the arms of an Instagram yogi. According to Duigan, ‘The most powerful thing you can do for yourself is to love yourself,’ which may explain why I burst into tears mid-conversation with him one morning. Learning to love and accept my body, non-perfect arms ‘n’ all, is a journey. Five weeks is just the beginning, but at least I’m on my way. Peace.