THE REALIST’S GUIDE TO GETTING MARRIED
THE PSYCHOTHERAPIST AND NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR SHARES HER RELATIONSHIP WISDOM
In their vows, people are promising each other a utopian world where they are going to be the best friend, the lover, the teacher, the therapist and the cheering squad all in one. But I’m noticing the disillusionment that can sometimes follow this kind of outlook. Here are my tips on keeping it real.
A GOOD PLACE TO START when writing your vows is: ‘Here I am, humble and flawed, and here is my definition of self-esteem.’ Self-esteem is not about being perfect, it’s about being able to see yourself as a flawed individual.
IF YOU WANT to get guests’ attention during the vows, say something like: ‘I know I’m gonna fuck up regularly, and on occasion I hope I will be able to admit it was my fault’. That’s a realistic approach.
PEOPLE ARE CONSTANTLY looking for the perfect partner, but they don’t talk about the idea of being the perfect partner and how they are going to develop themselves. You need to accept that things will never be perfect.
THE BEST WEDDINGS I go to now are normally the second marriages – they’re often people who have gone through it. They’ve done the cycle, they know the story and there’s a level of maturity and thoughtfulness. They’re more in the reality of what it’s like to be married, not just focused on the beauty of the wedding.
REMEMBER to keep your eye on the prize; don’t let yourself be annoyed by the flowers and the this and the that. Don’t overstretch yourself. It’s best just to keep things simple.
Esther Perel is the host of the podcast Where Should We Begin? Her next project is a series of e-courses for couples and individuals looking to keep the spark alive in their relationships. Find out more at estherperel.com