IS THIS THE TOUGHEST SPA ON EARTH ?
Behind the minimalist decor, picturesque views and LUXURY SUITES lies a unique, science-backed regime designed to OVERHAUL YOUR HEALTH – and even your life
ELLE’s fashion director undergoes a complete mind and body reset at this luxury resort nestled in the Bavarian Alps
As a fashion director whose job involves months of travel each year, I’ve grown very fond of the world’s leading luxury hotels. Give me Frette linens, Loro Piana bedspreads and an iPad to order organic room service or, well, I’m staying somewhere else. Discovering, one especially stressful Paris Fashion Week, that Le Bristol would send its resident Birman cat to my room (with her own monogrammed Goyard bowl) was a particular high point. Yup, spoiled doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Which is why all those hardcore European wellness retreats have never appealed to me. Sure, as someone who’s pretty much permanently jetlagged, a holiday with a transformative agenda would be nice, but brown carpets and chalet-style furniture are so not me. Here’s the thing about Lanserhof Tegernsee, however: the 7O-room, €7O million medical resort is somewhere you can endure such torment in six-star luxury, which is why, since its opening in 2O14, it has become a favourite of socialites, celebrities and oligarchs. The gift shop sells Brunello Cucinelli. I couldn’t sign up fast enough.
The first clue about its regime comes in advance via email: guests are advised to prepare by cutting out caffeine, gluten, dairy, sugar and alcohol for two weeks before arrival. The second clue lies in a booklet presented at check-in, titled ‘Health Through Inner Body Cleansing’, warning that ‘sluggish bowels lead to unattractiveness’. Mention is also made of special toilets with viewing shelves (to put it politely, each suite comes with a Japanese Toto toilet, designed with a platform to catch your poo so you can inspect it before flushing). Were Lanserhof Tegernsee not deep in Bavaria – surrounded by forest and, for much of the year, several feet of snow – you might be tempted at this point to make a run for it. After all, Munich Airport is just over an hour away.
Still, with views over postcard-perfect mountains, flowerdotted meadows and gently gurgling streams, soundtracked by a faint jangle of cowbells, Lanserhof is a heavenly place to be. If you have to starve for health reasons, this is the place in which to do it. Celebrity eco-architect Christoph Ingenhoven designed the whole complex with a kind of glamorous austerity: it has plain white walls, unvarnished larch floorboards, pale grey carpeting and an abundance of ‘contemplation areas’ filled with expensive chairs. There’s an outdoor saltwater pool where you can go for a swim in the dark, and also an enormous bath house with saunas, fireplaces and yet another pool. Plus, there’s a shiny gym and yoga studios galore. There’s also a grand piano in the reception where classical musicians perform most nights. The rooms include sweeping balconies, floor-to-ceiling windows and B&B Italia sofas. It would be perfect – aside from the toilet business.
There are three Lanserhof clinics in Germany and one in Austria, as well as a day clinic in London at The Arts Club – all of which follow a treatment method pioneered in the 193Os by Dr FX Mayr, who believed that the secret of a happy, healthy life is happy, healthy intestines. This focus on the relation between diet and disease was radical in its day, though now we all know about gut health and its importance for both body and mind. The basics are simple: eating fresh food slowly and seasonally, drinking water and staying active. This is accompanied by the most up-to-date medical science – Lanserhof is a unique mix of the conventional and alternative, and so well-respected that it remained open to treat patients even as the coronavirus pandemic shut down spas and hotels across the world.
I have to confess: subsisting for a week on just clear vegetable broth or pots of herbal tea sipped with a spoon slightly spoils one’s enjoyment of the all-encompassing luxury. Those who are taking ‘the cure’, as it’s called, spend their days wandering listlessly between appointments in bathrobes and varying degrees of despondency, depending on where they are in the process. My headaches were so bad that, after a visit to a doctor, my personalised programme was tweaked to allow one espresso a day – to be taken in the kitchen after dinner, secretly, so as not to lead fellow guests into temptation. Others beg for more food and are rewarded with a single corn cracker and a scoop of pureed avocado.
There’s a sliding scale of awfulness on the diet as you make progress during your stay: plates of delicious-looking fish and steamed potatoes eventually appear for some. I never made it past the fast. Nor did I ever make it to something called ‘Active Awakening in the Forest’, which takes place at 6.3Oam every morning. There’s a hectic schedule of exercise and group activities, should you feel so inclined; massages were quite enough for me. I began going to bed at 7pm – secretly, I liked it.
And that is the real luxury of Lanserhof Tegernsee: time alone to find stillness, cleansing the mind as well as the body. GETTING THERE British Airways has return flights from London Heathrow to Munich from £80 return. A week-long Cure Classic stay at Lanserhof Tegernsee, including accommodation, starts from around £4,674 per person.
”LANSERHOF IS SO WELL-RESPECTED, IT REMAINED OPEN TO TREAT PATIENTS EVEN AS THE PANDEMIC SHUT DOWN SPAS AND HOTELS ACROSS THE WORLD”