IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S THE PANDEMIC
AS COVID RAGES ACROSS THE WORLD, SO TOO HAS THE NUMBER OF DIVORCES. Kemi Alemoru TALKS TO THOSE COUPLES FOR WHOM BEING FORCED TOGETHER, MEANT ULTIMATELY FALLING APART
Lockdown forced us to spend more time together than we ever have before – Kemi Alemoru looks into how this is tearing our romatic relationships apart
“THE BIGGER QUESTION WAS: IF WE DIED DURING THIS CRISIS,WOULD WE be happy knowing
WE HAD SPENT SO LONG SHACKLED TOGETHER?”
AS THE SAYING GOES: WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS. In March, I was marooned in Manchester at my parents’ house as the heavens opened. A storm was brewing outside as cases of Covid-19 surged. Because of lockdown, I found myself separated from my partner of seven-and-a-half years by the M6; a barrier only marginally bigger than the huge chasm that had developed between us. We’d been a little rocky beforehand but, by May, when I managed to smuggle myself back to London to be with him, things were looking terminal. We’d argued about where to quarantine, how much attention we should be paying each other in lockdown, how little attention we paid each other in normal life, both busy filling our time with demanding jobs and social lives. But really the bigger question that neither of us had the courage to ask was: if we died during this crisis, would we be happy knowing we had spent so many years shackled together? Or was now the time to chase new experiences?
It might seem dramatic to think that a virus could chime the death knell of what was once considered a ‘forever’ relationship, but the chaos (and, let’s be honest, the metaphysical searching that chaos has inspired) has resulted in time drawn on relationships across the world. As the UK shuttered in March, restrictions started to lift in China, where reports emerged of a spike in divorce enquiries. The pandemic, it appeared, had become a powder keg for marriages as couples were forced to lockdown together, their lives entwined in a way that they had never been before. It came as a stark warning to the rest of the world, and then, much like the virus itself, the effects began rippling to shores closer to home.
‘There is no doubt that lockdown put pressure on relationships,’ says Sandra Davis, a partner in family law at London firm Mishcon de Reya who has worked on divorce cases for 4O years, with clients including Princess Diana and Jerry Hall. ‘In the early days of lockdown, people weren’t able to engage in extracurricular activities. Without the usual outlets, any negativity in relationships intensified and fractures already there developed into breakages,’ she explains.
Since lockdown, she has seen enquiries flooding in, spiking in July when restrictions eased and couples who had been unhappily living together finally emerged. ‘We’ve been very busy. Many lawyers have stated that enquiries are significantly higher than usual for this time of year,’ confirms Davis, who says that recently couples have been forward-planning for potential future lockdowns because they now know what could be around the corner: ‘People have been taking action. I think that, in part, people who fear that there may be a second lockdown want to move out now, before that happens,’ she says.
THE SPEED AT WHICH COUPLES ARE MOVING to dissolve their relationships – the UK saw a 42% spike in divorce enquiries from 23 March (the day the UK went into lockdown) to mid-May, according to Co-Op Legal Services – is down to a dramatically shifting context. ‘Crises are relationship accelerators,’ explains Esther Perel, couples therapist and author of the bestselling Mating In Captivity. ‘People think, Life is short, let’s have babies or Life is short, I’m unhappy. It’s time to move on.’
Crises also act as amplifiers. ‘We have all learned coping mechanisms. When we were young, those habits kept us safe. But in adulthood, context changes and sometimes those learned coping mechanisms no longer serve us. When people experience periods of prolonged uncertainty – such as a pandemic – they turn to their learned coping style. In a romantic relationship, this can lead to increased conflict when coping styles don’t align.’
A year ago, Aimee felt the most settled she’d ever been. She and her husband of 26 years had nurtured a long-lasting, blissful romance, travelling the world together and talking openly about their relationship. To the outside world, and indeed for Aimee, they were a ‘forever couple’. As with any relationship, there were fissures. At the end of last year, Aimee began to suspect her husband was hiding things from her. One evening, after he’d fallen asleep, she looked at his phone and found texts from a friend of hers. ‘He cheated,’ she says. ‘It was a complete shock, but I didn’t want to lose what we had, so I stayed.’ In the following months, they tried to work things out with couples therapy, and she suppressed her own growing anxiety. Then the pandemic hit.
During lockdown, Aimee began to see more clearly what her marriage had become: ‘He grew quiet and he was no longer playful or interested in what he used to enjoy. His demeanour towards me changed drastically.’
Covid forced them to see one another – and who they‘d become over time – more clearly. ‘Being together all day, every day allowed me to confront that,’ she says. There was no longer any connection, as her partner grew more and more withdrawn from their marriage. In the end, it became too much and, as lockdown lifted, she decided to move 2,5OO miles away to live with her parents. She filed for divorce shortly afterwards. ‘I’m not feeling alone,’ Aimee says, ‘I walked away because I no longer had the choice to stay.’
“FEELINGS OF DESIRE HAVE BEEN IMPACTED. desire needs mystery,
AND WHEN WE’RE ON TOP OF ONE ANOTHER 24/7, IT CAN FEEL LIKE THERE’S NO MYSTERY AT ALL”
‘Partners are always delegating emotions to each other,’ says Perel. ‘One minimises; one maximises. One implodes; one explodes. But in high-stress situations, that polarisation is more intense.’ For most relationships, these periods of high stress are surmountable. Life as a couple involves a degree of separation: you’re not by each other’s side all of the time. In the pandemic, however, that polarisation was exacerbated as couples lost a sense of freedom and individuality within their relationships. ‘Our lives and roles are typically contextualised by physical locations,’ continues Perel. ‘We commute, go to the gym, go to the office, spend time at home. The past few months have seen those contexts collapse. Now the last boundary is the mute button: living our whole lives at home and at work in the same place at the same time. We are not spending this period just working from home, we’re working with home. Every aspect of our life happens in the same location, day after day. This can cause a number of challenges for couples – including impacting their feelings of desire. Desire needs mystery, and when we’re on top of one other 24/7, it can feel like there’s no mystery at all.’
AS WELL AS DESIRE, there is the more pedestrian question of money and the division of labour, both in terms of employed work and household chores. After the 2OO8 recession there was a 5% spike in marital breakdowns, a pattern that also occurred following the Nineties recession.* Divorce specialists have put this down to the strain caused by an economic downturn and couples being more willing to put up with marital problems if there is enough money. Now, as the UK looks set to plunge into another recession – possibly a depression – financial stress and the pressure to stay in employment is a key factor in relationships breaking down.
Work and money became an inescapable tension for Amanda and her partner of 1O years, James. This year represented one of new beginnings after they married in August 2O19 and decided to move to the other side of the
country in January with their four-yearold son, at Amanda’s suggestion. Then March came around, and things began to shut down. ‘We were just getting settled in,’ Amanda recalls. At the height of the pandemic, her husband contracted the virus and the family quarantined for three weeks. However, the real difficulty set in when he started back at work again; the atmosphere grew tense when it became clear he was struggling with the move. He was unhappy in his new job and, as a result, started to become hostile towards Amanda, who was the family’s ‘breadwinner’. Plus, as childcare was a 24/7 requirement, the unequal labour in the house became a major trigger for arguments, with Amanda taking on most of the work.
WITH VERY LITTLE SUPPORT, her claustrophobic new life soon started to unravel and she began to feel a growing resentment towards her husband. Two weeks before their first wedding anniversary, James moved out while she was at work and sent a text asking for 5O/5O custody of their son. While she was initially left feeling crushed and forced to put on a brave face for their young child, she now says she’s relieved to have some breathing room from her ex-partner.
While arguments over housework and childcare are nothing new among couples seeking a separation, according to Caroline Elliott, head of family law at Shakespeare Martineau Nottingham, the huge increase in the pandemic workload and the proximity of lockdown living has meant that these issues are becoming more acute. ‘Juggling everything has been a massive stressor,’ she explains.
Because of lockdown rules, which meant you couldn’t leave the house other than to exercise or shop for essentials, people had very small windows to liaise with lawyers privately. ‘I had people who were calling me on the way to the supermarket or while they were on a walk because they were stuck in the house and couldn’t get on the phone to seek advice,’ Elliott says.
In addition, the division of assets can take a nasty turn – particularly as the economy nosedives and the value of property, for example, becomes more uncertain. This is the case for one of Elliott’s clients, who was put on furlough in lockdown. As her marriage crumbled, she decided to buy her husband out of the house. But redundancy was too much of a risk. ‘In normal circumstances, she could borrow a bit more on the mortgage and pay him off, but now it’s likely they will have to sell the home,’ says Elliott.
Not all couples who have seen their marriage break down this year are facing prolonged and messy divorce proceedings. The Divorce Surgery, set up by barristers Samantha Woodham and Harry Gates in 2O18, helps couples work towards a fairer outcome without going to court, by pioneering a new, amicable ‘one couple, one lawyer’ model. Business, says Woodham, has been non-stop, mostly owing to the huge stress Covid-19 has had on the family justice system – many trials have been adjourned and hearings are taking place via video or phone call. ‘It’s such a blunt instrument for a very nuanced, sensitive process,’ she says, adding that this court backlog has intersected with an increased demand for a more holistic approach to divorce proceedings; a trend started by Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s conscious uncoupling.
‘This global pandemic has given us all an enormous degree of perspective on what life is about,’ Woodham continues. ‘There’s been a big reaction against the kind of 198Os The War of the Roses-style divorce, where you lawyer up on each side and go for one another. Creating conflict for conflict’s sake is not something I think people are interested in anymore. Now, more than ever, there is a realisation that your marriage was not a mistake, it has just run its course.’
According to divorce lawyer Sandra Davis, we may not even have the full scale of the situation yet. Is your relationship safe, or has it just been unaffected so far? As she says: ‘It will be at least another year before we see the extent to which the pandemic has had an impact on marriage.’
“THIS PANDEMIC HAS GIVEN US PERSPECTIVE ON what life is about.
YOUR MARRIAGE WAS NOT A MISTAKE, IT HAS JUST RUN ITS COURSE”