LISTEN TO YOUR FRIEND
HE’S A COOL DUDE. HE’S TRYING TO HELP YOU (AND YES, THIS IS REAL)
NOT OUR WORDS, BUT THE words of Hansel in the original Zoolander. But they made us think — could Billy Zane actually help Empire readers with their problems? And now we’re proud to say that the answer is, “Yes.” Please welcome Empire’s first Agony Uncle — a man who’s dead calm under pressure.
Dear Billy, My girlfriend and I are at breaking point. I have always preferred to categorise my DVD collection alphabetically, but my girlfriend prefers colour coding. It may seem trivial, but it’s putting strain on our relationship — when I want to watch Die Hard, I don’t know where to look. What do you think I should do? PG
BILLY SAYS: One word, PG: Netflix! Otherwise, don’t obsess. Go with her colour coding. Who cares? Keep her happy. If you are not watching movies to make out by the second act, you are missing the point of watching movies with your girlfriend. Why do you think they call it physical media?
Dear Billy, I am an aspiring actor and have auditioned for several drama schools but, so far, I’ve been turned down. I am in my last year of sixth form, yet I can’t help but feel like I’m already falling behind in life. How can I shake this feeling? Thank you, RG
BILLY SAYS: RG, seek private lessons and tutoring in acting and start making your own short-form Youtube videos. Google private tutorials, or advertise for professionals who would gladly have another source of income through teaching. As far as digital content goes, keep it about three minutes long, and make them frequently. Try comedy, as that and music garner the most views and subscriptions. Build an audience and collaborate with other aspiring artists, and professionals if you can integrate them. They need it too, trust me. If pros don’t get hip to short-form digital they will be passed by. The times are changing. That drama school model is definitely one way, but there are others, and that’s just not your path right now, it seems. The reason will be revealed soon enough. Have faith. And remember, rejection is divine protection.
Dear Billy, I am an art student from Hungary who will be 20 in April. I’m scared of the dark. I guess I was ten years old when I watched both of The Ring movies and, since then, Samara has creeped me out almost every night. My imagination is super HD. I have to run to the bathroom every night like a crazy person. Maybe this will fade as I grow older, but it’s been almost ten years and it’s still scaring me. I have no idea how to stop this. Love, GG
BILLY SAYS: I too have been to the bathroom in Hungary in the middle of the night. It’s scary, movie or no movie. The classical architecture is stunning by day but by night can be a little ominous. Don’t beat yourself up. Just reprogram. Use Youtube. Watch beautiful and romantic night scenes from Hollywood musicals made under the Arthur Freed Unit. Search for An American In Paris, Our Love Is Here To Stay, and watch Gene Kelly and Leslie Caron dance under a bridge by the Seine at night. Or Good Morning from Singin’ In The Rain. Makes you wish the sun will never rise. Reclaim your subconscious joy with the help of classic cinema.
Dear Billy, I’m worried about what to do when my son is old enough to watch movies with sex scenes in them. Any advice on parental/ child embarrassment avoidance? Yours, SN
BILLY SAYS: Just temper good judgement with good taste. Better that they are sex scenes in movies than offensive clips from porn sites right out of the box. Help him build a healthy appreciation of the physical form through art and cinema. Italian soft core from the ’70s and teen movies from the ’80s are fairly lame and tame. Respect for the female physically and physiologically is critical early on. It will inform his entire relationship to women. Same with men, I imagine. He will find everything, and build preferences, but a foundation in the possible ideal he may shape might link love, romance, classic beauty and innuendo to arousal.
ZOOLANDER 2 IS OUT NOW.