LISTEN TO YOUR FRIEND BILLY ZANE
He’s a cool guy. He’s trying to help you
Hi billy, Big fan, have been since Dead Calm. I recently started a new relationship, and want to introduce my girlfriend to the joys of Billy Zane with the perfect triple bill. And who better to suggest the films I watch, and the order I watch them in, than the man himself? Yours in Zanehood, AP
Thank you ever so, AP. Zanehood?! I am thrilled to prime your budding romance with some couch bait. my suggestions would be to start with a little salty, a little scary, a little sexy. You guessed it. Your old favourite,
Dead Calm. Thanks to the brilliant performances by Sam neill and nicole Kidman. There was a young American in there who wasn’t too bad either. I’d follow up with Demon Knight so she cuddles closer, but giggles between gross-outs, and then get horizontal with some high art you can make out to in either Sally Potter’s Orlando or norman Jewison’s Only You. but I’m warning you, if you choose Only You, she will break a love lock to check out marisa Tomei’s adorable haircut and wardrobe, so perhaps go for Tilda Swinton in a gender-bending codpiece and seal the deal. Godspeed, son!
Hey, mr Zane! There’s this awesome movie coming out in October that looks off the charts. I really want to see it with my mates, but it’s 18-rated and I’m only 14. How do I sneak into a showing, or make myself look older? Yours, LW
You little hooligan! I’m not going to tell you to wear a flat cap low on your face, or to wear glasses or to dress in your dad’s sports coat, roll up the sleeves slightly and put your hands in your pockets to hide the excess fabric. Don’t even think for a minute I’m going to tell you to hide your face while pretending to be on your cell phone! And if you think I’m going to suggest the oldest of you buys the tickets while you head in, you have another thing coming! You kids today!
Dear billy, I’m an actor — not at your level just yet! I’m more of an enthusiastic wannabe, hoping to break into the industry. But I’m terrible at auditions. I get nervous and sweaty, I forget my lines and I stammer. Basically, everything you shouldn’t do, I do. Any tips? I’m all ears. Yours, bb
The minute you start calling yourself an actor, not a wannabe, is the moment other people will start treating you like one. Don’t stress the awkwardness and seeming failure of the beginning of a career. That’s why they call it the beginning. It’s where you are meant to melt down, to stink, panic, flail and combust. relax. It’s how you measure your improvement and growth as a professional. So you suck right now. big deal. Practise and get better. my advice is this — and you may have read this before, but it’s always good to reinforce: rejection IS Divine Protection. DRESS LIKE A SUCCESSFUL PROFESSIONAL THAT Doesn’t need THE Job. be CHARMING AND SEEMINGLY PLEASANT To Work WITH. BLESS Your COMPETITION, AS YOU Don’t Lose WHAT YOU Are never meant To Have. WATCH GREAT Performances on STAGE AND Screen. GET FAMILIAR WITH CLASSIC Cinema. Personally, I found great traction when I learned to be of service to the elevation and advancement of culture and society as a whole. break a leg! You are familiar with the expression, right?