He’s a cool guy. He’s try­ing to help you


Hi billy, Big fan, have been since Dead Calm. I re­cently started a new re­la­tion­ship, and want to in­tro­duce my girl­friend to the joys of Billy Zane with the per­fect triple bill. And who bet­ter to sug­gest the films I watch, and the or­der I watch them in, than the man him­self? Yours in Zane­hood, AP

Thank you ever so, AP. Zane­hood?! I am thrilled to prime your bud­ding ro­mance with some couch bait. my sug­ges­tions would be to start with a lit­tle salty, a lit­tle scary, a lit­tle sexy. You guessed it. Your old favourite,

Dead Calm. Thanks to the bril­liant per­for­mances by Sam neill and ni­cole Kid­man. There was a young Amer­i­can in there who wasn’t too bad ei­ther. I’d fol­low up with De­mon Knight so she cud­dles closer, but gig­gles between gross-outs, and then get hor­i­zon­tal with some high art you can make out to in ei­ther Sally Pot­ter’s Or­lando or nor­man Jewi­son’s Only You. but I’m warn­ing you, if you choose Only You, she will break a love lock to check out marisa Tomei’s adorable hair­cut and wardrobe, so per­haps go for Tilda Swin­ton in a gen­der-bend­ing cod­piece and seal the deal. God­speed, son!

Hey, mr Zane! There’s this awe­some movie com­ing out in Oc­to­ber that looks off the charts. I re­ally want to see it with my mates, but it’s 18-rated and I’m only 14. How do I sneak into a show­ing, or make my­self look older? Yours, LW

You lit­tle hooli­gan! I’m not go­ing to tell you to wear a flat cap low on your face, or to wear glasses or to dress in your dad’s sports coat, roll up the sleeves slightly and put your hands in your pock­ets to hide the ex­cess fab­ric. Don’t even think for a minute I’m go­ing to tell you to hide your face while pre­tend­ing to be on your cell phone! And if you think I’m go­ing to sug­gest the old­est of you buys the tickets while you head in, you have an­other thing com­ing! You kids to­day!

Dear billy, I’m an ac­tor — not at your level just yet! I’m more of an en­thu­si­as­tic wannabe, hop­ing to break into the in­dus­try. But I’m ter­ri­ble at au­di­tions. I get ner­vous and sweaty, I for­get my lines and I stam­mer. Ba­si­cally, ev­ery­thing you shouldn’t do, I do. Any tips? I’m all ears. Yours, bb

The minute you start call­ing your­self an ac­tor, not a wannabe, is the mo­ment other peo­ple will start treat­ing you like one. Don’t stress the awk­ward­ness and seem­ing failure of the be­gin­ning of a ca­reer. That’s why they call it the be­gin­ning. It’s where you are meant to melt down, to stink, panic, flail and com­bust. re­lax. It’s how you mea­sure your im­prove­ment and growth as a pro­fes­sional. So you suck right now. big deal. Prac­tise and get bet­ter. my ad­vice is this — and you may have read this be­fore, but it’s al­ways good to re­in­force: re­jec­tion IS Divine Pro­tec­tion. DRESS LIKE A SUC­CESS­FUL PRO­FES­SIONAL THAT Doesn’t need THE Job. be CHARM­ING AND SEEM­INGLY PLEAS­ANT To Work WITH. BLESS Your COM­PE­TI­TION, AS YOU Don’t Lose WHAT YOU Are never meant To Have. WATCH GREAT Per­for­mances on STAGE AND Screen. GET FA­MIL­IAR WITH CLAS­SIC Cinema. Per­son­ally, I found great trac­tion when I learned to be of ser­vice to the el­e­va­tion and ad­vance­ment of cul­ture and so­ci­ety as a whole. break a leg! You are fa­mil­iar with the ex­pres­sion, right?

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