THE EMPIRE CLASSIC SCENE

broadcast news chosen by Kumail nanjiani

Kumail NANJIANI: “This is a scene I think of a lot. It’s really funny and real and awkward and moving. It’s two people who really do love each other, but in very different ways, talking about it like adults. I’ve talked to holly hunter about that scene a lot — ‘how did you come up with this and this?’ She told me everything about it. I think it’s a lovely scene.”

INT. aaron’s HOUSE — NIGHT

Jane (Holly Hunter) has just told broadcast journalist friend Aaron (Albert Brooks) that she thinks she’s in love with anchorman Tom (William Hurt). An agitated Aaron has to get something off his chest.

aaron: [makes gagging noise] Jane… Okay. Let’s take the part that has nothing to do with me. Let me just be your most trusted friend now, the one that gets to say all the awful stuff, okay?

JANE: I guess. Yes.

aaron: You can’t end up with Tom, because it totally goes against everything that you’re about.

JANE: [rubbing her face in her hands] Yeah. Being a basket case.

aaron: [bending down beside Jane] Look, I know you care about him. I’ve never seen you like this with anybody, so don’t get me wrong when I tell you that Tom, while being a very nice guy, is the Devil.

Jane pulls away, and gets off the couch to walk away.

JANE: This isn’t friendship. You’re crazy, you know that?

aaron: What do you think the Devil’s going to look like if he’s around?

JANE: God…

aaron: Come on! Nobody’s going to be taken in by a guy with a long, red, pointy tail! Come on, what’s he gonna sound like? [He makes a demonic hissing noise, clawing the air with his hands] No. I’m semi-serious here.

JANE: You’re seriously...

aaron: He will be attractive. He will be nice and helpful. He’ll get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation. He’ll never do an evil thing, he’ll never deliberately hurt a living thing, he’ll just bit by little bit lower our standards where they’re important. Just a tiny little bit. Just coax along,

flash over substance, just a tiny little bit. And he’ll talk about all of us really being salesmen.

Jane has heard enough. She walks to the door.

aaron: And he’ll get all the great women.

Jane stops, and whirls around.

JANE: Hey, Aaron! I think you’re the Devil!

aaron: You know I’m not!

JANE: [storming back into the living room] How?

aaron: Because I think we have the kind of friendship where, if I were the Devil, you would be the only one I would tell!

JANE: Well, you were awfully quick to run after Tom’s help when you wanted help...

aaron: ALRIGHT, FINE! YES! And if things had gone well for me tonight, I probably wouldn’t be saying any of this. I grant you everything! But give me this: he personifies everything that you’ve been fighting against. [Beat] And I’m in love with you.

Jane flinches.

aaron: How do you like that? I buried the lede.