HOW MUCH IS A PINT OF MILK
Amy Schumer regrets not keeping a dairy diary.
What character were you in your first school play?
I was a potato. It was a play about nutrition. I don’t know how good I was in it. I didn’t work again for a long time after that.
When were you most starstruck?
By Ani Difranco, who is my favourite singer, a folk singer. Also Anjelica Huston. My sister and I ran into her at an event once and we could not form an interesting sentence. We basically just said, “We love you!” and stared at her.
Do you have a signature dish?
No. I can cook maybe ten things, but I don’t. I married a chef, though, so I can continue to not cook those ten things.
What is the worst smell in the world?
Rotting flesh. Rotting human flesh. You’ve never smelled it? If you go on the Subway in New York you’ll sometimes be sitting next to someone and notice a smell, then you’ll look down and it’s clear their foot has passed on.
Which movie have you seen the most?
There are a few. I have a contract with myself that if either Dirty Dancing or The
Birds come on TV wherever I am, I have to watch the entire thing. The Birds is really long, so it’s incredibly inconvenient.
When were you last naked outdoors?
Does it count that I just peed outside when I was on a hike? I wasn’t fully naked though. That was last summer in the ocean in Martha’s Vineyard. I’ll send you a clip.
How much is a pint of milk?
How much does it cost? I will say $1.99? I don’t know. I’m lactose intolerant so I cannot be expected to know this. Let’s talk almond milk.
Have you ever written fan mail to anyone?
I definitely wrote to Ani Difranco. It’s weird because she’s now my friend. It’s uncomfortable. I have not yet got over being a fan of her and being friends. Like, Jennifer Lawrence I was a huge fan of and now she’s my friend, but that’s not weird. It’s not like, “It’s Jennifer Lawrence!” whenever I see her.
Whose poster did you have on your wall as a kid?
I had a lot. Jason Priestley and Luke Perry from 90210. Joey from New Kids On The Block. There was a magazine called Tiger
Beat and I’d tear pictures out of there.
What was the last TV show you got addicted to?
The Great British Bake Off. Can’t get enough. I met Candice [Brown, who won in 2016] and I was pretty starstruck.
Who is the most famous person you could text right now?
Bono. The last time I texted Bono was a week ago when I was in Italy and wanted a dinner recommendation. You probably thought I was going to say Jennifer Lawrence, right? Nope. In her face. Don’t need her. Got Bono.
What’s the strangest place you’ve ever thrown up?
I don’t know if it’s strange, but one time when I was a teenager I’d been out with my friends and came home and threw up in a plastic bag. I snuck out early in the morning and threw it in the bushes of my neighbours’ yard. Then my mom knocked on the door and presented the bag to me.
When was the last time you cared about money?
About ten years ago. My friends would suggest going out for sushi and I couldn’t afford to do it, so someone would say, “Okay, I’ll buy you a California roll.” Just one.
Do you have a nickname?
No, but I really want one. I tried to make ‘Sweet Pea’ happen, just with people around the office, but it did not catch on. A lot of people call me “cunt”.