THE FIRST TAKE CLUB

Classic movies, seen for the very first time

↓ IT MAKES NO sense that I never saw In Bruges.

I love Martin Mcdonagh’s stuff and have seen, to my knowledge, everything he’s ever done on stage or screen, and enjoyed them all. Some I enjoyed outrageously. But In Bruges, which from all reports is a fine, fierce and funny movie, I have studiously avoided.

Why? What do I have to do that’s so goddamn important I can’t finish off this guy’s oeuvre? I, who for years have kept annual lists of every movie I watched during the year and consider any year where I fail to reach 150 a failure; I can’t manage a measly 107 minutes for In Bruges? Why not? From the murky depths of my swiftly decaying memory, here follows the explanatory timeline.

Twenty-five years ago: I go to Africa. I am to change planes in Brussels, but there is a mechanical problem, and I end up spending the night in an ugly, brutalist airport hotel with brightly coloured plastic furniture. This is my sole adult impression of Belgium and will take root in the rocky soil of my shoddy American geographical education.

Belgium equals Brussels equals that one hotel I didn’t like.

Fourteen years later: the layover in Brussels is forgotten, and the movie In Bruges is released. Here’s my inner monologue: “So, like, Bruges is in Belgium, right? Isn’t it kind of boring to look at? I’m picturing a modernist hotel, the kind you stay in when your plane breaks down and you have to stay near the airport in some place with a lot of shiny plastic tables. Is that this movie? ’Cause that’d be ugly and boring. Colin Farrell is in it, right? And that other guy, possibly Brendan Gleeson? I like both those guys. I should probably watch it.”

“Okay, I’ll rent it. Here goes. There’s the logo. Hey wait, is this going to be boring and ugly to look at? I bet it is. I bet there’s a super boring hotel in it, and not in a good way. I’d better pause it. I can’t afford for this to be boring and ugly,

I am much too busy and waaaaaay too important.”

Four years elapse: “I don’t know what to watch. Oh hey, I never caught up with In Bruges.

I think I’ll rent it.” (Repeat precisely as above, again stopping ten seconds into the logo.)

Five more years go by: “Boy, that was a fun trip to Brussels. What a beautiful old city that is. They sure love movies there. Shoot, I never found out if Bruges is in Belgium while I was there. Isn’t that something I’m supposed to know? I bet I’d find out if I watch In Bruges, that Colin Firth movie. I think I’ll rent it, ’cause I’m basically Mr Belgium now. Oh wait, does that movie have some ugly hotel in it? Somebody said that to me once, didn’t they? Something about a hotel? Like they’re stuck on a layover in an ugly boring hotel? I better not watch it.”

Eleven months later: “Geez, this Empire list is a ton of stuff I’ve already seen. Wait, In Bruges.

I gotta knock this sucker off. I think somebody said once that the hotel scene was boring, but whatever. Here goes.”

Today, after watching the movie: “I have been a moron. Like, more than usual, even.

In Bruges is one of the most beautiful, meditative, darkly hilarious movies I’ve ever seen. It is a miracle of storytelling; there is not one tiny piece of narrative string left unused. Everything comes back and serves dramatic purpose, everything — the coins in Ken’s pocket, the dumdum bullets, the movie company in the climax, the Canadian in the restaurant and, of course, the gun in the drawer — there is nothing dangled that is not pulled, nothing placed that is not picked up and put to purpose.

All my fears and biases were put to rest with its very first shot, a gorgeous frame of stunning gothic architecture. Within minutes I’ve learned Bruges is not only not Brussels, but it is one of the oldest cities in Europe, with nary a brutalist hotel within miles.

Why do we avoid movies we know will be good? Fear of what, exactly? I don’t know, but I feel bad for all those idiots out there who don’t even know the difference between Bruges and Brussels. Thank God I’m not like them.

And I’m definitely not watching A Man For All Seasons. It looks cold and damp. COLD STORAGE, DAVID KOEPP’S DEBUT NOVEL, IS AVAILABLE ON 3 SEPTEMBER ON DIGITAL AND AUDIOBOOK, AND 19 SEPTEMBER IN HARDBACK