PINT OF MILK
Kumail Nanjiani on almond milk and self-pooping.
Do you have any scars?
Right there. [Points to his forehead] When I was a little kid, a framed picture of myself fell on my head. And I think that’s very poetic. Me being my own worst enemy.
Do you have a nickname?
My parents call me ‘Kumi’. And in high school, because my last name is Nanjiani, the jerk called me ‘Nanga-gianni’. ‘Nanga’ is the [Urdu] word for ‘naked’. Still to this day, on Wikipedia, it says under ‘alias’ ‘Nanga-gianni’. I try to get rid of it, and I can’t. There’s somebody out there from the past, still bullying me. [NB: at the time of going to press, it has been removed]
Do you have a signature dish?
It’s a controversial one. My favourite dish is biryani, and I started making cauliflower rice biryani because I’m trying to be very health conscious, and I’ve pissed off a lot of people. They’re like, “He can’t do it that way.” It has to be unhealthy, it has to give you a coronary. I’ll say this — normal biryani is way better. However, my bastardised cauliflower rice biryani is pretty good. I’ve a history of heart disease in the family, and if I can do something to live a little bit longer, I’m doing that.
How much is a pint of milk?
I don’t get actual milk. I get almond milk, but it’s about $6. But this isn’t a pint. This is a big bottle. So I don’t know what a pint is. Has anybody fucked up that part of the question?
When have you been most starstruck? When I met Bruce Springsteen. He’s my number one of all time, got me through high school against all the ‘Nanga-gianni’ dickheads. I hid in the library listening to his music. I got to see his show on Broadway. I got to meet him backstage and he was so important to me I didn’t want to prepare what I was going to say. I just wanted to feel the moment. There were a few other people there — Courteney Cox was there. Jennifer Aniston was there. Dr Ruth! So he’s saying hi to everybody, and he says hi to me. And I just stand there and don’t say anything. I am truly, genuinely starstruck. I am struck by the star. I don’t have words. And then Emily [V. Gordon, Kumail’s wife] says to him, “I’m sorry, you’re very important to him. Could you come back?” So he walks away, and when he came back around I’d found two things to say.
What’s the worst smell in the world?
We’ve been eating a lot of eggs, and if you throw egg shells in the trash and don’t take the trash out? Tough to beat that smell. I will also say that Chinese food is a weird smell. Especially if you’re not expecting the smell of Chinese food. I’m in my guest house right now and it smells like Chinese food in here. Nothing is more terrifying.
Who is the most famous person you could text right now?
I know the one I’m most excited I can text is David Duchovny. I was going to say Bono, but then I realised that I don’t actually have his phone number. I didn’t want it because I was like, “I don’t want to have a late-night [text conversation], feel over-sincere, and then send something awful.” So, David Duchovny.
What’s the strangest place you’ve ever thrown up in?
I haven’t really thrown up in a weird place. Honestly, with my bodily fluids I’m very in control. But then, I did shit my pants five years ago, so I shouldn’t have said that. I was in a trailer, ready to go on set. I don’t know what happened. I didn’t even feel like I needed to go to the bathroom. I wasn’t sick or anything. One moment, there was no shit in my pants and then the next moment, the situation had changed. On a scale of one to ten, how hairy is your arse?
Around five. More than I’d like. I’m not a hairy person. But that area is definitely an overachiever in that regard. Most of the asses I’ve seen have been in porn, and I don’t think they represent general ass hairiness.