PINT OF MILK: IAN MCSHANE
Does Lovejoy lovesoy?
Do you have a nickname?
My wife calls me ‘Beaver’, or ‘the Beav’. Being American, she thinks I’m a grown-up version of the boy from Leave It To Beaver. She grew up with that programme, but I’ve not seen it, so I’m scared to do so in case I don’t like the kid.
When were you the most starstruck?
I think once in my life. It was about 1970 and a friend of ours in London was having a dinner party. We all arrived at his house in Mayfair and he said, “I’ve got an extra guest for dinner tonight, a friend of mine: Marlon Brando.” I think my jaw dropped. He’s my favourite actor. After the dinner, Marlon said, “We’re all going out to Ronnie Scott’s jazz club.” You don’t want to meet your heroes, but he was great — as charming as you’d hope. My hero did not have clay feet.
What is the worst smell in the world?
My wife and I were on the way to Australia and we stopped in Singapore, and I attempted to have durian fruit about three days in a row. I thought I’d try it in ice-cream form, but it’s like somebody farting in your mouth.
What character were you in your first school play?
It was a Jean-paul Sartre play called Nekrassov.
A geography teacher, a man called Leslie Ryder, told me, “You will play Nekrassov.” The following year he said, “You’re playing Cyrano de Bergerac.” And I went to drama school after that. He was partly responsible for launching me on the world, so you can thank or despise him, take your pick.
How much is a pint of milk?
Here, it’s about a dollar a pint. You only buy it in gallons, though. So a half gallon is about four dollars, maybe an extra dollar for organic. And in London, it’s probably around about 60p.
What one thing do you do better than anyone else you know?
Probably wear a dressing gown without exposing myself. I’ve always been known as very deft with a dressing gown. I like that better than saying my spaghetti bolognese is better than anyone else’s.
Do you have any scars?
I’ve got a big scar on my thumb from when I fell on location back on the Yorkshire Moors in 1965 doing Wuthering Heights, yelling for Catherine Earnshaw. I fell over a big rock, went arse over tit and ended up in hospital.
What is your earliest memory?
It sounds fanciful, but it’s quite true: during the war, being bathed in front of the fire in a big tub in Blackburn by my mother. My dad was off taking part in the downfall of Adolf Hitler.
What scares you?
Social media. That’s the only thing. I’d never join it, there’s no point. It’s a totally insulated other world.
One a scale of one to ten, how hairy is your arse?
I don’t look in the mirror a lot, especially at my own arse, I’m not keen on that. There’s probably a bit of bum fluff, but as Alan Bennett used to say, “Esau was a hairy man, but I am a smooth man.”
What is your favourite animal?
A penguin. I’ve always loved them, I think they’re enigmatic and funny and sort of sexy in a way.
Are penguins sexy?
Yeah, they come in all sorts! Remember the two penguins in New York they found out were gay? They lived together very happily.
What movie have you seen the most?
The Big Lebowski. It’s the only one I keep on the phone or the tablet because it makes me laugh and the people in it are incredible.
Do you have a favourite joke?
“I’d like to talk about my father. My dad was a wonderful man. I’ll never forget the last words he said to me: ‘Fuck me, a bus!’”
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