THE NEXT STAGE
With no Glastonbury festival in 2018, here are four other weekend options and the archetypal attendees to expect
ALL POINTS EAST LONDON, 25–27 MAY
Going: Tom, 32, Bristol.
Likes: Jamie XX, Floating Points,
The War on Drugs, Gilles Peterson. Won’t admit it but likes some Taylor Swift tracks. Enjoys space to dance — if it involves minimal exposure to the lads that “shuffle” at the back.
Taking: Patagonia down gilet, five-panel baseball cap, 30g of Golden Virginia. Hunter wellies in case things go really bad, but would rather stick to his Air Max.
Overheard: “Please say you packed the king skins.”
Why go: East London’s Victoria Park regulars Field Day and Lovebox have moved sites. Filling the millennial void are Beck, LCD Soundsystem, Lorde, Father John Misty and Sampha.
There will be far fewer topless fools with T-shirts hanging off their waistbands. Plus loads of parties nearby after it shuts down at 11pm.
BLUEDOT CHESHIRE, 19–22 JULY
Going: Paul, 41, Salford.
Likes: Raving (but less than he used to). More about getting down with some serious knowledge, and a bit of gabba. At Glastonbury, he enjoys seminars in the Leftfield tent before a body pop in Block9.
Taking: Big flag with a Darwin ape-to-man graphic, comfy hiking boots, zip-off trousers/shorts.
Overheard: “Did you know Professor Brian Cox played keyboards in D:Ream?”
Why go: It’s a self-styled “Festival of Discovery” in rolling fields around the space-age hulk of the Jodrell Bank Lovell Telescope; so expect lectures on cosmology and astrophysics. Mindless party fun courtesy of The Chemical Brothers, Flaming Lips, Future Islands and more. Plus Blue Planet in Concert (Attenborough on synth, we hope).
LARMER TREE WILTSHIRE, 19–22 JULY
Going: Barnaby, 46, Twickenham. Likes: Toots and The Maytals, Belle and Sebastian, Dub Pistols, Jeff Lynne’s ELO. British street food is preferred. Organic soap in the boutique showers is a deal-breaker.
Taking: Yoga mats, first aid kit, selection of Le Creuset, nanny for Arlo and Sesame.
Overheard: “‘Mr Blue Sky’ is the ultimate Sunday finisher. Pass the raw cashews, Jemima.”
Why go: Near 30 years old, it’s one of the best-kept secrets of the UK festival scene. Good for a change from Wilderness. Sited in a Victorian pleasure garden, the programme is quirky: folk, reggae and world music, impressive comedy and theatre shows. Headliners Jake Bugg and Tune-Yards.
Pleasing easy vibe, fab beer tent and peacocks roaming the garden.
LOST VILLAGE LINCOLNSHIRE, 23–26 AUGUST
Going: Reuben, 27, Battersea. Likes: Jackmaster, Jakwob, Jack Whitehall. Marlboro Lights. Eschews boutique camping for a chamber in Bongo Fitzgibbon’s manor house, a 15-minute Defender-jaunt off-site.
Taking: Psychedelic/glittery meggings, fringed cowboy jacket, Barbie Doll’s arm on a necklace.
Overheard: “Fuck’s sake, Bobo! You’re supposed to be my bust frund. I’ve known you since D of E.”
Why go: ’Cos Burning Man is now too commercial; Reuben and his massive crew need somewhere new. It’s in a private (thank God) estate, perfect for moneyed flower children to recalibrate their chakras, jig to melodic electro and scoff a “tribal banquet” by meat-kings Hawksmoor. The Boutique Sanctuary has a 24-hour concierge, hair salon and baggage porters. Four Tet plays the top slot. Chief, it’s going to be massive!