The super-sized trainers with names to match
Trainers are supersizing, and so are their names.
Have you bought a pair of the new Nike + Acronym Air VaporMax Flyknit Moc 2 trainers yet? Or did you go for the Givenchy George V Logo-Jacquard stretch-knit high-tops instead? Ha, just joking, you’re clearly more of a Adidas by Raf Simons Replicant Ozweego canvas and faux-leather type of man... Or perhaps you don’t own any of the above because by the time you got to the store you’d forgotten the 11-word name of the ones you wanted. In which case, next time try a pair of Hoka One One Challenger ATR 4 rubber-trimmed mesh trail running sneakers to get you there more quickly.
It’s a tricky business, the trainer. Not just the names, but the myriad choices, the signals they convey, the age appropriateness — how I wish I wasn’t too old for the ones with the soles that light up each time you take a step — the politics, the collaborations... oh my. Of course, you could, like my fellow Esquire columnist Giles Coren, just stick with a trusty pair of Converse for life, but not many of you seem too keen on solo-ing their sneaker choices: whether it’s at the simple Common Projects white Achilles end of the spectrum, or the more in-your-face Vetements + Reebok Logo Instapump Fury One. I think I’m going to change my name to Instapump Fury.
As always, size matters. Mounds of men are currently tottering around in ginormous, sky-bound sneakers, built upon layers and layers of technical-sounding compounds you’ve never heard of, that promise to imbue the wearer with magical powers as well as mystical heights. I recently bumped into an exceedingly tall former Esquire colleague who had taken a shine to a very elevated pair of white Gucci sneakers. In these, he must have reached almost 7ft tall; I looked like Jack standing at the foot of the giant beanstalk. I wanted to ask him if they were comfortable but conversation was impossible as his voice was muffled by the lowflying clouds; it would have been easier to text.
The companies that make most of these sneakers are supersized also. Nike’s HQ near Portland, Oregon, is spread over 400 acres. An acquaintance of mine who’s just moved there to work for the brand posted a picture of his new home on Instagram. It’s enormous, too. He and his wife looked like the cast of The Borrowers standing in front of it. Rival Adidas, meanwhile, employs over 60,000 people.
In the Trump era, big is back on everything from your feet to your lunch tray. While McDonald’s phased out its Super Size meals years ago, Burger King recently introduced a limited edition Bacon King Burger — two meat patties, four cheese slices and eight bacon rashers nestled amongst the ketchup and mayonnaise within its sesame buns. And now you can get sneakers to match.
But can you have too much of a good thing? Yes, and no as regards the latter. I’m surprised at the number of middle-aged male commuters currently wearing jeans, hoodies and outsized sneakers, much like the students or maybe even their sons sitting beside them. But the fact that blokes get to experiment a bit more with proportions (as well as portions) is now the norm: we’ve seen jackets shorten, trousers finish at the ankle, jeans get skinny and baggy again, sweatshirts that hang above the waist, hoodies with sleeves that scrape the floor and now sneakers that look as if they were made from 20 different sets of Lego.
I’m just hoping that the oversized trainer will kill off (or at least flatten) the deadly plague of flip-flops that appear on our shores each summer. And surely a pair of these is preferable to the gladiator sandals we were subjected to not so long ago? My only real issue is the incongruously long-winded names. Valentino Garavani Heroes Tribe 1 and Nike Air VaporMax Chukka, for example, sound as if they’ve just been on a date in Made in Chelsea. More toodle-oo than hip-hop, alas.