Nick Curtis

On the weekend that Worthy Farm turned Red

Andrea! As leader of the House of Commons, it is your patriotic duty to tell the organisers of the Creamfields festival that it is their patriotic duty to give Iain Duncan Smith equal time on the decks to Deadmau5 and Chase and Status. We want a strong and stable playlist. STRONG AND STABLE…. SSSTRNG AND SSSTXGLB… (Smoke issues from May’s ears: Leadsom gulps and leaves).

Scene Nine

Saturday evening. Radio 2’s Jo Whiley is interviewing festivalgoers Hermione and Joshua after Corbyn’s appearance.

He’s, like, got the common touch, and totally understands young people and our concerns about, like, tuition fees?

Plus, his name fits the White Stripes song? Like, “Oh Je-re-my CorByn”? None of the Tory names, like, fit? Apart from “Oh, An-dre-a Leadsom”… I’m just, like, saying…

And, like, JC is a totally “woke” vegetarian and this is the most veganfriendly festival, like, ever…

Um, babe, you do know this is, like, a dairy farm…?

Scene Ten

Sunday, 10am. Tom Watson takes to the Acoustic stage in front of a frankly bleary crowd.

Hello comrades! And also people who voted Tory and Ukip and fancy a walk on the socially inclusive side (waggles glasses à la Eric Morecambe). They say that, as deputy leader of the Labour Party, you only get noticed at Glastonbury twice. First, when you get a phone call about a leadership coup in 2016 and have to rush back to London. And second, when there is a massive popular groundswell in favour of a Leftist leader who has rejuvenated the party but who you hope will eventually make way for younger, more moderate voices. As John Lennon put it (sings): “You say you want a revolution, well, you know, we all want to change the world…”

Scene Eleven

Sunday, 10pm. Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper have been in the queue for the showers for 36 hours.

Sorry, love, we’ve missed everything…. Chairman Jez, Laura Marling, Jools Holland, Charli XCX… it’s been a washout

I wouldn’t say that, love! I’ve been debating with ordinary, honest, hard-working young people who can all afford £238 for a ticket, whether Major Lazer is better than Rag ’n’ Bone Man, and whether Barry Gibb represents a dynamic new trend in music. Perfect practice for the next election. Glastonbury’s one-year hiatus and subsequent relocation will give us the chance to return, in 2019 or 2020, in triumph.

Gangnam Style!

Ed and Yvette do the “Gangnam style” horse-riding mime, much to the bemusement of the rest of the queue for the showers…

@nickcurtis