Mugabe’s bloody sun sets over Zimbabwe
Jesus is replaced with a sausage roll, DH Lawrence inspires a Twitter account and ‘Hijab Barbie’ arrives. and look at the week that was
Monday
Efforts are stepped up to free Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe from prison in Iran. An old MP urges Theresa May to exploit the “energy and vision” of younger MPs. Cleaner Kiplin Gayle wins £10,000 compensation after slipping on “brown fatty liquid” leaking from House of Commons ovens.
More than 400 people are killed in an earthquake on the Iran-Iraq border. Donald Trump is mocked for becoming confused during an “Auld Lang Syne”-style handshake with Philippines president Rodrigo Duterte and Vietnamese president Nguyen Xuan Phuc. A stage adaptation of Network, starring Bryan Cranston, opens at the National Theatre.
A moped gang ransacks the Apple Store on Regent Street. Electric carchargers may be installed in every lamp post in Wandsworth. Muchsyndicated gossip columnist Liz Smith, “the grande dame of dish”, dies aged 94.
Tuesday
In news surprising to precisely no one, a former security adviser claims Russia is meddling in British politics, and Donald Trump Jr admits corresponding with WikiLeaks during his father’s election campaign. A ferry in Sydney Harbour is renamed Ferry McFerryface. Mattel launches “Hijab Barbie”.
Food prices are rising at their fastest rate for four years, while London becomes the only place in the country where house prices are dropping. Millennials are advised to forgo sandwiches to save for a deposit on a house. Pollution levels in New Cross and Deptford are often six times WHO safe limits. The Daily Telegraph names 15 Tory MPs as “Brexit mutineers” on its front page. St Paul’s Girls’ School is hit by sexual abuse claims. Rita Ora wears a bathrobe to the European Music Awards. Steve Davis is sacked as Leyton Orient manager. After 37 years in power, Robert Mugabe is seized by the Zimbabwean army in what is called a “bloodless correction”. Major General Sibusiso Moyo insists soldiers are targeting “criminals” around the president. If removed, Mugabe will cede the title of the world’s oldest head of state to the Queen.
Donald Trump is mocked for “cutting and pasting” a tweet of condolence for the latest US gun massacre. Explorer Benedict Allen is reported missing in Papua New Guinea. UK wages fall for the eighth month in a row. Peaky Blinders returns.
Queens Park Rangers becomes the first London football club to ask fans to support a food bank. Greggs bakery apologises for replacing Jesus with a sausage roll in its advent calendar. Nearly 62 per cent vote in favour of same-sex marriage in Australia. England hold Brazil to a 0-0 draw at Wembley.
Thursday
Prints available via www.geraldscarfe.com
Catholic priest Father Fidelis Mukonori and two South African government ministers attempt to mediate a deal between the Zimbabwean army and Robert Mugabe. There are conflicting reports that the dictator’s wife “Gucci Grace” has fled to Namibia or remains with him.
The Old Vic lists 20 allegations against former artistic director Kevin Spacey. The final death toll from Grenfell Tower is revealed to be 71. Sadiq Khan says Uber’s appeal against the loss of its London licence may take “a number of years”.
Benedict Allen is reported alive but in need of rescue. Edward Enninful signs 200 hardback editions of his first issue of Vogue, priced £75. Leonardo da Vinci’s picture of Christ, Salvator Mundi, sells for $450 million: online jokers paste a Greggs sausage roll onto it.
Far-Right extremists Tommy Robinson and Richard Spencer have their “blue-tick” status revoked on Twitter. Artist Libby Heaney creates Tinder accounts for Lady Chatterley, her husband Clifford and lover Mellors.
Friday
Robert Mugabe is said to be “resisting” calls to stand down. Photographs online of piles of cash supposedly seized from Zimbabwe’s detained finance minister actually come from other raids in other countries.
Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner is said to have withheld emails relating to WikiLeaks and Russia from a Senate investigation. Photos emerge of Democrat Al Franken groping a radio host and former Playboy model. EU leaders tell Theresa May they will not guarantee trade talks in December.
A couple in Hammersmith are threatened with eviction because of their crying baby. Chef Jamie Oliver, 42, says he may retire. Friends say Meghan Markle is “moving her dogs” to London.
@nickcurtis