From Hackney to Whole Foods it’s sexy to be vegan — but I still can’t go the whole hog

EVERY Monday starts with me being so vegan-gelical that I’m prac tic ally a cherry tomato. By Wednesday I’ve had at least one ham sandwich — and come Sunday I’m practically swimming in beef shin.

I’m faddy by nature, yet I’m on constant high alert for hypocrites and hate the idea of being one myself. A vegan who’s wearing a leather watchstrap? I will Call. You. Out. I want you in Brighton-made, hemp-based wellies or you’re against the moral ropes. You don’t have to eat them but at least get your ducks in a row.

But that’s where my negativity ends because, regardless of my own practices, I am full of admiration for anyone who not only has the desire to end cruelty but also the willpower to begin that quest with every mouthful.

Who could possibly think there’s anything wrong with such an objective? The US National Academy of Sciences, that’s who. Living the vegan dream would be a nutritional nightmare for Americans, according to new research by the body. Its report looks at how the US agriculture industry can be improved to stymie climate change without causing deleterious effects on the population’s health. The bottom line, it says, is that it would be catastrophic for a nation to have a population that is totally vegan. Forgetting for a moment that absolutism in this form exists NOWHERE EVER in a liberal society (I mean, as impossible and mad as it sounds, we’re not even all 100 per cent fans of Attenborough), one of the authors of the report suggests: “Very simply, there are some nutrient requirements that we cannot get just from consuming plant-derived foods. It rather speaks to us as omnivores.”

Ah! So it’s far better to advise the North American population to stick to their existing diet since it’s widely recognised as being SO nutritiously balanced and healthy…

The idea that vegan food just “doesn’t taste very nice and is hard to source” — a classic complaint — is outdated, as our brilliant restaurant critic at ES Magazine, Grace Dent, discovered when she recorded a Radio 4 programme on the subject of how veganism got sexy — it’s everywhere.

There’s Hackney’s vegan street-food market; Pizza Express has launched a delicious vegan pizza (I’ve tried it and it’s worth migrating from my Four Seasons to); Wagamama’s vegan katsu curry is a sell-out hit. Last night on her show, Nigella — the woman who once baked ham in cola, baked a vegan cake instead. Even the rapper Professor Green has put his huge, gorgeous, drooling dog on a plant-based diet. There are half a million vegans in the UK and I’m veggie-come-lightly, repelled at the idea of factory farming and cheap meat. Super-snobby about the provenance of the once-sentient being on my plate — and I still haven’t fed my daughter cuts of mammal, just minced beef now and then (double standards again). Even her nanny is vegan and refuses to cook her meat, which I’m fine with.

I’ve tried to lead by example and cut out cruelty altogether but found I was just desperately unhealthy. When I went veggie for two weeks I ate so much dairy I developed eczema.

If only I had more time to make my own vegan food, had delicious dhal on tap and had varied vegan lunch food on my doorstep, I would convert. Oh wait, I do… my office is a short walk from Whole Foods, and although everything costs a fortune it’s not like I don’t have an option to eat animal-free. It’s a mindset thing — I’m making excuses.

So come on, Veganuary is on the horizon. Will you be curing that New Year’s Day hangover with a spinach smoothie, or a bacon sarnie?

I’m a veggie-come-lightly. I haven’t fed my daughter cuts of mammal, just a bit of minced beef now and then