Adventures in Love

Are you speaking your Partner’s ‘Love Language’? We all want to be loved, but how we feel loved can vary.

Couple’s therapist Lilliana Gibbs unpacks the idea of the 5 Love Languages.

We usually expect our partner to respond to a loving gesture as we do, so if a surprise gift fills you with excitement and joy, you are likely to enjoy giving gifts to others. But gifts may not be high on your partner’s list of ways that they feel loved and special. For them, it may be touch – hugs, walking hand in hand, and starting each day with a kiss. Or it might be ensuring time alone together on weekends.

We all have preferences that satisfy our emotional needs, and thirty years ago, relationship expert Gary Chapman developed the Five Love Languages as a guide to the primary ways we feel loved: Touch, Time, Tokens, Tasks, and Talk. Loving relationships are complex, and this is a simplified way of understanding some basic needs, but simple can be useful.

1. Touch - Physical Touch

Not surprisingly, a person whose primary language is physical touch is very touchy/feely. Hugs, holding hands, sexual contact, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face are all ways to show concern, care, excitement, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect will feel miserable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship and is particularly important for some folk.

2. Time – Sharing Quality Time

Nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being present for this type of person is critical; it makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Making time to be together is highly valued. Making plans and dates to spend time together alone means your relationship is a priority in addition to being with family and friends. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Time also means sharing quality conversations and activities.

3. Tokens - Receiving Gifts

The receiver of tokens thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows you are known and cared for. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts and surprises are representations of love and are treasured greatly, tokens say you’re thinking of me when we’re apart, and that translates into knowing you are loved.

4. Tasks - Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on a ‘Tasks’ person will speak volumes. The words they love to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Taking responsibility for shared jobs and researching a new purchase or a holiday will feel supportive and precious. Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them says their feelings don’t matter. Finding ways to serve your partner will be deeply valued.

5. Talk - Words of Affirmation

Spending time talking together is essential, and if this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words “I love you” is important – hearing the reasons behind that love will be deeply felt. Share what it is you admire and appreciate. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving. Most couples will share a couple of these 5, but invariably, there will be differences too. Recognising and attending to the other’s particular preferences is an active expression of love.

It’s useful to discover your own preferences, and those of your partner.

You can do this free online http://www.5lovelanguages.com. And try this short exercise with your partner.

Share your Love Languages This delightful little process takes about 10 minutes.

1) Each of you take a sheet of paper and, working alone, make a list of all the things you can think of that you would enjoy receiving from your partner. Flowers, a new phone case, compliments, hand holding, surprises, breakfast in bed, that delightful thing they do with their tongue, a weekend away, going to bed earlier, sleeping naked, fixing the squeaky door, doing the online shop, finding a good comedy to watch…. You get the idea. And do include the things your partner already does that you enjoy. You just write without stopping for 10 minutes and make a long list.

From this, you can identify your own ‘love language’ preferences.

2) Now swap lists. Keep their list handy and use it. While there are no obligations to do anything, recognise that what you hold in your hand is very valuable information giving you the power to surprise and delight your partner. And the pleasure works both ways - gifting something they want from you can be as rewarding as receiving their attention to something you desire.

We each have different ways of feeling connected and of knowing we’re special and loved, so it’s important to understand and respect our partner’s emotional needs and to respond to them.

There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved. – George Sand