ALEKS KROTOSKI
Before meeting someone new, do you look them up online to find out more about them? That’s not a great way to start conversations…
Meeting someone new? Be brave, and don’t stalk them online first.
Have you ever looked up your friends online? Scrolled through their updates, binged on their Insta, read an ancient blogpost, or even gone down the rabbit hole and found their first profile pic? How’d it make you feel? Closer, or creepy? Dirt-digger, or voyeur? Or are you a person who refuses to go there on principle, preferring to allow friends old and new to reveal their hobbies, likes, dislikes and opinions to you at their own pace?
I’m part of the latter camp. I get really creeped out when I discover that someone’s looked me up online, so I try not to do it to anyone else. An article by Justine Gangneux in the September 2019 issue of the journal Information, Communication & Society says I am unusual. She reveals how normal it’s become for people in their 20s and younger to screen potential new friends by trawling through a person’s social media profiles, and cross-checking with other accounts just to make sure they’ve got the correct information.
I don’t want a dossier on a random person my mate thinks I should meet. If my mate thinks I should meet someone, I trust them. And I trust that the person I’m going to meet will talk about stuff they find interesting, rather than wait for me to prompt them with targeted questions.
But I am old, and weird in my social media profile fact-checking
“The amateur surveillance that we all do (me included) hides a fear of vulnerability”
aversion. I get why it might be something you’d do. I had a friend who, years ago, was newly single and was exploring online dating. She met someone she hit it off with, and was considering meeting up with him. But she then discovered through a bit of archaeological digging that he’d been accused by his ex-partner, and several other unrelated women, of sexual assault. That’s a good example of why you would want to check up on someone.
But what Gangneaux writes about goes beyond safety management. She explains that pre-checks of mutual acquaintances allows the person snooping to make guesstimates about whether meeting this person would be a waste of time and emotions or not. Because meeting the wrong person for a 30-minute coffee can be such a bummer in your busy life.
Her participants feared lulls in conversations that would have to be filled with clarification questions. They wanted to avoid having to engage with someone they didn’t agree with. They poked around profiles to check political affiliations, match music and gather talking points. Stuff you can find out in 15 seconds face-to-face, but can make the remaining 29 minutes and 45 seconds feel like an eternity.
The amateur surveillance that we all do (yes, me included) hides a fear of vulnerability, and an aversion to different opinions. This is how the internet’s filter bubble transfers offline. It’s also how we find ourselves so emotionally bruised when we discover that the rest of the world doesn’t think like we do.
So next time you’re tempted to do a little digging, resist. Allow the other person to be in charge of the direction that conversation travels. You might discover you’re open to learning something new.