SIDELINES...

MARSUPIAL MEAL

Stunned golfer looked on while a 13ft (4m) python slithered onto the 17th hole of Paradise Palms Golf Course north of Cairns, North Queensland, on 10 December, where it consumed a wallaby, which took half an hour. The serpent then “snuck back into the bush”. (Sydney) D.Telegraph, 13 Dec 2016.

VEGETABLE FUSILLADE

In the first three months of 2017, joggers in Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, were being attacked by a mystery yob throwing potatoes, eggs, turnips, a mango and an avocado at them from a car. “I was the victim of a drive-by spudding,” said Toby Lewis. Western Daily Press, 31 Jan; Western Daily Press,10 Mar 2017.

WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE

Iman Ahmad Abdulati, 36, of Alexandria in Egypt, is thought to be the heaviest woman alive. She had a stroke at the age of 11, suffers from fluid retention and has been bedridden for 25 years. She weighs 79 stone (502kg). Metro, 24 Oct 2016.

VIKING FISH BURIAL

Two goldfish were given a flaming Viking burial longship send-off by primary schoolchildren at Papdale School in Kirkwall, Orkney. Bubbles and Freddy were class pets but both died recently. The children read aloud their memories of the fish before the boat set sail. BBC News, 1 Mar 2017.

CRAB BITES YONI

A 28-year old Pasir Ris woman sunbathing nude with two girlfriends at Changi Beach in Singapore (breaking the law) had her vagina torn by a crab. Her friends, worried that the crab’s pincers could have contained poison, took turns to suck out the ‘venom’. A marine biologist commented that the crab – likely to have been a horn-eyed ghost crab – probably confused the woman’s genitals with an oyster, part of their natural diet. Sunday Register (Singapore), 24 May 2017.