TELEVISION

FT’s very own couch potato, STU NEVILLE, casts an eye over the small screen’s current fortean offerings

Celebrity Ghost Trip

It had to happen. All it takes is for a producer to drink too much wine, binge on some reality TV and the unreality of paranormal TV and then put two and two together and make 666. If you take Coach Trip (a camp exhibitionist called Brendan takes a busload of other camp exhibitionists around playing games until they are whittled down to two) and combine it with Most Haunted (camp exhibitionists shrieking in lowlight; see FT342:54-55), Celebrity Ghost Trip (C4) is the result.

Brendan introduces us to the contestants: David and Callum, “stars” of Ibiza Weekender (me neither); Dick and Dom of in da Bungalow fame; Chloe and Nicole from… I don’t know, something on Netflix; rapper Graft with chum Sian who didn’t win The Apprentice; and professional TV celebrity Kerry Katona with daughter Lily (who practises Wicca). They waste no time in heading to Alnwick to meet spiritualist painter Pauline, who immediately starts channelling Derek Acorah with residual vagueness: “I’m seeing a man in a top hat and

“I’m seeing a man in a top hat... by the fire... with a pipe called Dave”

slippers… by the fire... with a pipe called Dave.” The “pipe called Dave” is an intriguing detail. Graft tries to contact Michael Jackson (spoiler: he fails). This actually proves quite useful, as we soon learn that Dick and Dom are the only couple with any trace of critical thought.

To Chillingham Castle next, for a ghost hunt. Investigators Lindsay and Lee show us their instruments, which are “already going off”, and we meet Elizabeth the haunted doll who scratches married men (look, I’m just writing this down, alright?), and off they go into the lowlight in two groups. Kerry namechecks Yvette Fielding as she and Dick and Dom, now in da chapel, listen as Lindsay recites the Devil’s Prayer, the EMF meter goes loopy, they all shriek and get out of there. Meanwhile in another part of the castle, the other group hear a clock go ding, the EMF meter goes loopy, they all shriek and get out of there and David – or possibly Callum – wees himself a bit.

Then comes the vote, and inevitably Dick and Dom get the yellow card for their scepticism; however, as compensation they get to nominate another couple to stay the night with Elizabeth the haunted doll. The already haunted-looking Kerry gets the gig. She is unimpressed, as are I imagine any of the audience who’d remained sober, and it’d be interesting to see what the next night’s viewing figures were. I tuned in out of professional duty, to see teen-fave Tinchy Strider and Linda Lusardi (teen fave for another generation, for other reasons) join the travellers. They make potions, they go somewhere else in lowlight, the EMF meter goes loopy, they all shriek and get out of there, rinse and repeat. If you like watching exhibitionists scream, then knock yourself out.