Around the world in 12 stories

From lost parrot appeals to possibly the worst tattoo of all time – via Big Sam dressed up as Cheryl Cole – it’s been another bonkers month on planet football

1 ADAM LA-LLAMA USA Nashville

First prize for the weirdest tattoo of the month goes to Adam Lallana’s biggest supporter, American Andreah De La Hoz.

The Liverpool fanatic wasn’t content with just getting a massive tattoo of Lallana’s face inked on her thigh (and that would’ve been weird already). Oh no, she cleverly realised that his name sounds a bit like llama, so asked the tattooist to depict the England ace as a South American camelid. Yeah, that’ll definitely still seem funny in 20 years.

2 SIGNS TUESDAY, LEAVES WEDNESDAY Spain Madrid

Roman Zozulya joined Rayo Vallecano on loan from Betis on deadline day, only for the fans to protest at his first training session. The reason? A picture of him with guns and a controversial battalion of the Ukrainian army. Ah.

Zozulya insisted that he was not a neo-nazi, but it was all to no avail – Rayo sent him back to Betis just a day later, meaning he’s unable to play for the rest of the season. That went well.

3 BIG SAM’S FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE England London

It hasn’t been a great season for Sam Allardyce, but at least he can cling to the memories of happier times – like that night he dressed as Cheryl Cole at a party and did a dance number.

Allardyce made passing reference to this remarkable incident in his autobiography, but only now have the pictures actually surfaced – showing Big Sam decked out in fetching hat and jacket, bopping along to Fight For This Love. They’d pay good money to see keynote singing like that in Hong Kong.

4 RIGHT BACK IN THE GROOVE Italy Turin

If you are ever in a car park in Turin, there’s almost a 100 per cent chance that you’ll run into Juventus full-back Dani Alves singing some reggaeton.

The Brazilian decided on that bizarre location to post a video on Instagram of himself singing the Daddy Yankee song Despacito – he even dressed up for the occasion, donning a waistcoat and smart jacket. The Big Sam/dani Alves duet’s a matter of when, not if.

5 WAZZA’S CHEESE MASTERY England Manchester

Who needs a place in the Manchester United starting line-up when you can spend your afternoons cutting cheese instead? Wayne Rooney’s been keeping himself very busy, slicing up the dairy pitchside at Old Trafford as part of an event for renowned cheese makers, er, TAG Heuer? Maybe they’re diversifying.

Jose Mourinho watched on from the stand, looking rather bored. It’s almost as if he had something better to do.

6 WHO NEEDS A QUAD BIKE FOR A RAFFLE? Argentina Centenario

Centenario may play in Argentina’s fifth tier, but the sponsors are queueing up. The club’s recently unveiled new shirt sports the emblems of 50 companies – beating last term’s decent tally of 34.

But they’re not exactly all lucrative deals – one company got their logo on the shirt in return for a quad bike that the club then used to sell raffle tickets. Sounds like a pretty dangerous raffle.

7 PHILIPPE’S PET PARROT PANIC Italy Milan

Drama over, everyone – Philippe Mexes has found his pet parrot. The former Roma and Milan defender called out for assistance on Instagram when Coco went AWOL near the San Siro.

It was unclear whether the African grey was pining for the Sahara, or had just nipped into the Stadio Giuseppe Meazza to see what the hell has been going wrong at his former club. Either way it was soon safely back at home, where it was even pictured solving a Rubik’s cube. Who’s a clever boy?

8 PEP, THE SUPERMODEL AND RONALDINHO France Paris

Pep Guardiola has a hard life. Not only did he have to go to Paris to watch Monaco play PSG, ahead of City’s tie with the Monegasques, but he had to sit next to a Russian supermodel.

Victoria Lopyreva, a 2018 World Cup ambassador, posed for pictures with Pep at the Parc des Princes – on a night when, coincidentally, Ronaldinho also turned up. Now that’s timing, Ronnie…

9 A REAL MUMMY BOY Spain Barcelona

People go on about how modern-day footballers are mollycoddled. Barça’s Rafinha was all but mummified after their cup victory over Athletic Bilbao.

To be fair, he had just been kicked in the face by his own goalkeeper, Marc-andre ter Stegen, leaving him with a deep gash in his forehead and requiring almost his entire head to be bandaged. Luckily, he recovered before anyone could bury him in a pyramid for 3,000 years, Tutankhamun style.

10 DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF THE CONGA Gabon Oyem

There were tremendous scenes before the beginning of DR Congo’s AFCON last-eight tie with Ghana, as half the starting line-up inexplicably decided to do a conga during the team photo.

We can only presume it was some sort of gag, although the players did remarkably well to keep straight faces – Hull City’s Dieumerci Mbokani looked positively puzzled as he tagged on at the back. Rumour has it that they had planned the agadoo for the semi-finals, but sadly a 2-1 loss knocked them out.

11 AFCON IN ASIA Gaza Gaza City

The Gaza Strip may not be in Africa, but that did not stop hundreds of Palestinians from gathering to watch the AFCON final on giant TV screens.

Most were cheering on neighbours Egypt, but were disappointed after Cameroon clinched a 2-1 win. Victory for Egypt would probably have been Gaza’s best football moment since that goal against Scotland in 1996...

12 ANGRY DOLPHINS Italy Pescara

Pescara fans didn’t react well to a 6-2 home defeat to Lazio, leaving them with only nine points from their first 23 games of the Serie A campaign.

Supporters turned up at the house of club president Daniele Sebastiani and set two of his cars on fire. The fans had already thrown fireworks during Pescara’s Christmas party – they’re definitely not happy, lads.