THE WORLD’S SMALLEST VIOLIN LOSS OF PERSPECTIVE SCHOLARSHIP

Growing up being comfortable and wildly rich doesn’t buy you automatic happiness. But if you don’t want to cause an outbreak of wrong-way back-rubbing, it’s wise not to moan about minor hardships as if you’ve just been busted down to a zero hours contract in Sports Direct.

First up was the former Ajax, Everton and Dutch international defender Johnny Heitinga, who complained he could no longer afford a private jet. “In the past we would sometimes charter one but we don’t do that now,” he said. “When I was playing we had a lot more money coming in and expenditures were likewise.” His wife Charlotte-sophie added: “We are trying to get used to it, as we cannot easily go to Paris, Milan or New York for shopping and sometimes that is difficult.”

Our thoughts and prayers go out at this difficult time.

But some truly title-winning grumbling came from Patrick Bamford. The forward griped about his “nightmare” sat on the Burnley subs’ bench and former manager Sean Dyche’s implication he didn’t want it enough. “You’ve been brought up nicely and had everything handed to you,” is how Paddy thought Sean saw him. “Is that what people think, just because I went to a private school and played instruments?” he added. “I started playing violin at seven, hated it and wanted to quit, but my dad made me continue and I got to grade seven,” he sobbed, before going to play a mournful lament on his Stradivarius.