THE ALAN PARDEW AWARD FOR HALF-BAKED EXCUSES

There have been some fine excuses rolled out by players and managers over the years – we’re still in stitches about the time Kenny Dalglish said Newcastle lost to Stevenage because their footballs were “too bouncy”, and the Ukraine side who genuinely thought they’d lost to a superb Spain in 2006 because they’d been kept awake by “croaking frogs”.

The 2016-17 season’s been a cracker, too. An honourable mention has to go to Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who must have been inspired by Luis Suarez’s claim he had “hit his face on” Giorgio Chiellini. But if Zlatan does violence upon a man, it must be as they encroached the personal space of Zlatan: ergo, when Tyrone Mings got a face-full of elbow, it was his own fault. “I jump up – I jump high,” said the Swede. “At the same time I protect myself. Unlucky, he jumps into me.” The FA judges weren’t sold, imposing a three-game ban.

But Ross Mccormack takes top prize. The Villa man soured relations with boss Steve Bruce after continually turning up late for training, and the straw that broke the camel’s back came when he said his electric gates got jammed. “The fence was taller than me and I’m not 4ft 6in,” said the Glaswegian. “It was icy and raining. What if I’d rolled my ankle?” Bruce wasn’t having it. “Not in 20 years of management have I publicly shamed a player – but I have to make a stand because I won’t put up with it.” Mccormack was promptly shipped off to Forest.