Ja­son Mca­teer’s River­dance

The ex-liver­pool mid­fielder has got the moves, but he draws the line at dress­ing up like a Si­amese cat

FourFourTwo - - CONTENTS - In­ter­view Nick Moore Il­lus­tra­tion Bill Mc­conkey

Hi Ja­son. Bolton ap­par­ently bought you from Marine for a nom­i­nal fee “plus a large bag of foot­balls”. So how many balls were in that bag? Hi mate. I’ve no idea, but I know that the nom­i­nal fee of £500 man­aged to cover the price of a new roof for the club, af­ter the old one had got blown off by a storm in Crosby. I wasn’t just a big bag of balls, I was a roof as well. Although they didn’t call it the ‘Ja­son Mca­teer Roof’, which is a great shame. How many foot­balls have you got? I’ve got six in the gar­den and a few spongy ones in the house, which are my son’s. He’s lucky. They have got it too easy th­ese days. I didn’t get balls as a kid – I had to roll up some socks and sel­l­otape them. I used to smash so many or­na­ments it was ridicu­lous. I’d get a good hid­ing ev­ery Satur­day. What was the most valu­able thing you dec­i­mated around the house? We had a fam­ily heir­loom, which was a statue of a woman, and I re­mem­ber glanc­ing the ball off that once. It was a heart-stop­ping mo­ment as it rocked left and right in slow mo­tion. I had to run and catch it as it fell off a shelf. It was like Tom Cruise catch­ing that egg in Risky Busi­ness – a ter­ri­ble mo­ment. You share a birth­day with Sir Paul Mccart­ney and Delia Smith. Would you rather go on a cook­ery course in Italy with Delia or tour with Macca? You’d have to go on tour with Macca, wouldn’t you? I am a bit dis­ap­pointed in Paul to be hon­est, as he’s never sent me a birth­day card. But tour­ing would be le­gendary. You wouldn’t re­mem­ber much, though. Maybe I could play the recorder. I can do the Star Wars theme. How’s your cook­ing? You might not be­lieve me, but last night I made a corned beef hash with sweet potato. I caramelised all the onions in but­ter, that’s the se­cret. Un­for­tu­nately, I can’t do much else. We are into the realms of toast af­ter that. Cheese on toast, beans on toast... all the clas­sics. Who is the most Ir­ish not-ac­tu­al­lyirish Ire­land in­ter­na­tional be­tween your good self and John Aldridge? My grandad was from North­ern Ire­land and John’s was from the Repub­lic, so he’d claim he was. John can also drink a hell of a lot more Guin­ness than me – he has got hol­low legs. If you go and have a drink with him, you have to ‘lose’ a pint oc­ca­sion­ally. Ev­ery Ire­land game was like a stag do. I’d say that I can do a bet­ter River­dance than Aldo, though. Your friend Di­et­mar Ha­mann wrote a book called The Didi Man. Was he fa­mil­iar with the work of Ken Dodd? Of course! I have been to see Doddy, you know. He goes on for about three hours. It’s very good but you can’t take that much. I got up and walked out in the end. I just didn’t have the stamina. Is Doddy right about hap­pi­ness be­ing the great­est gift that we all pos­sess? He is. There’s not a lot of it around at the minute, is there? We need to show ev­ery­body in the world a bit more love. In all se­ri­ous­ness, though, we should try to sing off the same hymn sheet. Amen. Now, let’s go hy­po­thet­i­cal – would you spend three days a week for a year in­side a post­box in re­turn for a su­per­power of your choice? One hun­dred per cent I would. I’d go for fly­ing as my power so I could whizz around all the time. Disneyland would be the first stop on the list, no doubt! Ex­cel­lent. Would you wear Si­amese cat face­paint and pre­tend to be a cat for a month in re­turn for a big yacht? Yes. Yachts are ex­pen­sive, aren’t they? Ac­tu­ally, no. No, I wouldn’t be a cat. And fi­nally, would you go on a blind date with the woman who does the speak­ing clock voice on the phone? Nah, I wouldn’t bother mate. She has got a nice voice but that’s a bit risky. Fair enough. Cheers for chat­ting! Ta pal.

Mca­teer is an am­bas­sador for Liver­pool FC, as part of the part­ner­ship with New Bal­ance. Visit www.new­bal­ance.co.uk

“FLY­ING WOULD BE MY POWER SO I COULD WHIZZ AROUND FIRST STOP DISNEYLAND!”

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