Jason Mcateer’s Riverdance

The ex-liverpool midfielder has got the moves, but he draws the line at dressing up like a Siamese cat

Hi Jason. Bolton apparently bought you from Marine for a nominal fee “plus a large bag of footballs”. So how many balls were in that bag? Hi mate. I’ve no idea, but I know that the nominal fee of £500 managed to cover the price of a new roof for the club, after the old one had got blown off by a storm in Crosby. I wasn’t just a big bag of balls, I was a roof as well. Although they didn’t call it the ‘Jason Mcateer Roof’, which is a great shame. How many footballs have you got? I’ve got six in the garden and a few spongy ones in the house, which are my son’s. He’s lucky. They have got it too easy these days. I didn’t get balls as a kid – I had to roll up some socks and sellotape them. I used to smash so many ornaments it was ridiculous. I’d get a good hiding every Saturday. What was the most valuable thing you decimated around the house? We had a family heirloom, which was a statue of a woman, and I remember glancing the ball off that once. It was a heart-stopping moment as it rocked left and right in slow motion. I had to run and catch it as it fell off a shelf. It was like Tom Cruise catching that egg in Risky Business – a terrible moment. You share a birthday with Sir Paul Mccartney and Delia Smith. Would you rather go on a cookery course in Italy with Delia or tour with Macca? You’d have to go on tour with Macca, wouldn’t you? I am a bit disappointed in Paul to be honest, as he’s never sent me a birthday card. But touring would be legendary. You wouldn’t remember much, though. Maybe I could play the recorder. I can do the Star Wars theme. How’s your cooking? You might not believe me, but last night I made a corned beef hash with sweet potato. I caramelised all the onions in butter, that’s the secret. Unfortunately, I can’t do much else. We are into the realms of toast after that. Cheese on toast, beans on toast... all the classics. Who is the most Irish not-actuallyirish Ireland international between your good self and John Aldridge? My grandad was from Northern Ireland and John’s was from the Republic, so he’d claim he was. John can also drink a hell of a lot more Guinness than me – he has got hollow legs. If you go and have a drink with him, you have to ‘lose’ a pint occasionally. Every Ireland game was like a stag do. I’d say that I can do a better Riverdance than Aldo, though. Your friend Dietmar Hamann wrote a book called The Didi Man. Was he familiar with the work of Ken Dodd? Of course! I have been to see Doddy, you know. He goes on for about three hours. It’s very good but you can’t take that much. I got up and walked out in the end. I just didn’t have the stamina. Is Doddy right about happiness being the greatest gift that we all possess? He is. There’s not a lot of it around at the minute, is there? We need to show everybody in the world a bit more love. In all seriousness, though, we should try to sing off the same hymn sheet. Amen. Now, let’s go hypothetical – would you spend three days a week for a year inside a postbox in return for a superpower of your choice? One hundred per cent I would. I’d go for flying as my power so I could whizz around all the time. Disneyland would be the first stop on the list, no doubt! Excellent. Would you wear Siamese cat facepaint and pretend to be a cat for a month in return for a big yacht? Yes. Yachts are expensive, aren’t they? Actually, no. No, I wouldn’t be a cat. And finally, would you go on a blind date with the woman who does the speaking clock voice on the phone? Nah, I wouldn’t bother mate. She has got a nice voice but that’s a bit risky. Fair enough. Cheers for chatting! Ta pal.

Mcateer is an ambassador for Liverpool FC, as part of the partnership with New Balance. Visit www.newbalance.co.uk

“FLYING WOULD BE MY POWER SO I COULD WHIZZ AROUND FIRST STOP DISNEYLAND!”