Tales from Titchmarsh
Gardening awards are recognition for good work, but how about some recognition for antisocial gardening, says Alan
Alan reveals his gardening gripes – from Leyland hedges to leaf blowers
There are far too many awards ceremonies. They are tedious, selfcongratulating and of little interest, unless you happen to be a recipient. If that’s the case, they are long overdue, a nice way of saying ‘thank you’ and a means of recognising overlooked talent. But whichever side of the fence you find yourself, I hope you will approve of my GASBOs – Gardening Antisocial Behaviour Orders. The most obvious is the one most frequently awarded to the custodian of a Leyland hedge that has grown so tall and so wide that it reduces the light in the next-door neighbour’s house to a level akin to that enjoyed by a cave dweller. ‘Good fences make good neighbours’ they say; yes, but tall hedges make for court orders. My own bête noire (what am I saying? There are a dozen or more…) is the use of loud machinery on Sundays, when I’m out in the garden communing with nature, and attempting to enjoy a little bucolic peace and quiet. The birds are singing, the bees are buzzing, a gentle breeze softly rustles the leaves of the bamboo grove, whose susurrations lull me into a sense of calm that borders on nirvana when, WHINE, WHINE, ROAR, ROAR, the chain saw, strimmer or lawn mower rends the air in two and shreds my nerves to tatters. These three disciples of the devil have been around for years, but they have been joined recently by the most pointless piece of equipment known to the gardener – the leaf blower. Where once a rake was used to corral the fallen foliage of deciduous trees, we now have a vacuum cleaner in reverse that blows them all in one direction and parks them in a pile so that half an hour later the wind can blow them back again. The whole process can be repeated ad nauseam, so that the perpetrator is regularly reminded how much backbreaking work is being avoided. When this pursuit has been enjoyed to its full extent, the owner of the leaf blower can spend an hour with yesterday’s newspaper and a box of matches endeavouring to set fire to the pile of potentially earth-enriching organic matter that, with good luck and no following wind, will smoulder for days and asphyxiate every human within half a mile. “Compost them, you…!” The leaves having been cleared from deck and patio, steps and pathways, our friend will then get out the power hose to rid the surface of moss and algae. Yes, I know this is vital to reduce the strain on the NHS that is exacerbated by the treatment of broken arms/elbows/wrists/legs/ ankles/hips caused as a result of slipping, but what the operator fails to realise is that the grime and muckment (Yorkshire term) removed from deck and patio, steps and pathways, has to go somewhere – usually on windows and walls that, in turn, must be washed down. What happened to a stiff broom and elbow grease? My spleen having been vented on the domestic gardener, I turn to those who look after our public areas, particularly local councils who send out men with mowers that aren’t fitted with grass boxes. They wander up and down our roadside verges, recreational areas and grassy knolls, cutting the long grass and leaving it in clods that muck up the pavement and are subsequently transported on the feet of passers-by to then muck up the shagpile of every dwelling in the vicinity. And in another month, when the grass has grown apace, they’ll be back to do it all over again. Worse are those authorities who insist on cutting roadside verges where there is no pedestrian access and which would benefit wildlife if they weren’t cut at all until the end of the growing season, allowing butterflies to breed, vital insects to thrive, and our green and pleasant land to be just that. And as for litter on central reservations: I have promised my wife that one day I will go out with a black bin liner to gather it all up myself. If you read that I have been arrested for trespassing on the motorway, you’ll know why.
Where once a rake was used to corral fallen foliage, we now have a vacuum cleaner in reverse