THE UNTOLD REALITY OF QUEER NIGERIA.
Police. Doubt. Paranoia.
A friend once told me that when he was a teenager, he had a neighbour who was gay. The man was a few years older than him and was sharing a flat with a friend. They didn’t meet via an app. Perhaps the man could tell he was gay from studying him. The two of them often spent time together and eventually it led into a romantic relationship. Every now and then, he would visit the man and they would cuddle, kiss and have sex. These visits were usually during times when his parents weren’t home, when he had the freedom to escape for some hours.
One day, he was with this man and they were making out when the man’s housemate walked in. Immediately the man shoved him. Trying to protect himself, the man accused my friend of kissing him. He told his housemate that my friend was gay and trying to convert him. The housemate stood in the living room catatonic, shocked at what he saw while the man hurled insults at my friend and insisted that they need to take my friend to the police. My friend tried to explain that he was lying, he tried to say the truth about their relationship, about how it was the man who met him walking on the street and spoke to him. How it was the man who invited him over, how this has been going on for months, but before the words could leave his lips his so-called boyfriend smacked him in the face and dra ed him out of the house. He and his housemate shoved him in a car and they drove to the nearest police station where they reported a case against him.
Over at the police station, the police officers insulted my friend about his sexuality – they looked at him with disgust. His parents were later called to bail him. That was how his family learnt of his sexuality; his parents were ashamed of him.
From that month, his life became a living hell at home with his parents treating him like an abomination. They scolded him. His mother dra ed him from one church to another for deliverance. Pastors stretching their hands at him, casting the demon out of him. My friend told me this story some years back on Twitter. He said he was battling depression, and that every day around his family feels like hell.
Trust is very rare in the gay community in Nigeria for several reasons. It’s harder to date or make friends if you’re out because some other gays are worried you could out them. The word ‘discreet’ is thrown around in conversations and on gay apps. This ‘discreet’ lifestyle also creates room for cheating in relationships. Several gays who claim to be committed are single online. Unlike most places where gay freedom exists, we can’t walk down the street holding hands or kiss in public. Over here, we hang out with our boyfriend and have friends being introduced as his family friend or even a distant cousin; stuck in a relationship where there seems to be no future.
There’s also lack of trust when meeting people online. Most of us have had our phones stolen by someone we met online. I once heard about a Brazilian businessman who visited Lagos and invited a top to his hotel for a good time. Unfortunately the top showed up with
another guy, the two of them attacked him and stole his phone and money. There was another about an expatriate who invited a guy from a gay app over to his hotel and the dude showed up with a muscular guy as well. They barged in and attacked him, stole his phones and ATM card and forced him to tell them his password.
A while back, a guy went home with someone he had been dating for months. It was his first time visiting his boyfriend’s place. Inside the room, a group of men appeared wearing a mask and they said they’d teach him a lesson for being gay. These men gang raped and attacked him.
With all this mentioned, one might assume that the safest way to cope in this society is by abstaining from gay apps or meeting other members of the gay community, but that’s not always the case. Some days ago, a friend was on his way to hang out with friends. While he was on the street a group of men stopped him. These men are known as SARS, a branch of the police force that abuse their power and terrorise individuals. One of them was harassing him, asking him numerous questions and another was insisting
to have his phone. My friend refused as he always believed no police officer has the right to look through his phone without a warrant. One commanded him to get into a minibus and he refused so he pointed the gun at his face and told him they have caught others like him.They dra ed him by his shirt, ripping the shirt in the process while pulling him into the minibus. My friend felt humiliated and dumbfounded. Many times he has heard of this happening but he had no idea that one day he would become a victim. As soon as he climbed into the bus he observed the others inside. Some of them were injured from beating. Consumed by fear my friend surrendered his phone to them. On their way to the police station, they went through his phone. Luckily there was no gay content in his phone. They said they would take him to the police station regardless, perhaps because he is effeminate. They said the only thing that would bail him out is 200,000 naira and my friend informed the men that he can’t afford that and none of his family members can. Long story short, he came to an agreement with the men that he would pay 50,000 so they led him to a bank where he withdrew the money and paid them.
I’ve heard of such happenings, but never to someone I know. It’s scary that nobody is safe. These SARS people have been known to murder people out on the street and nobody does a thing. The fear and paranoia in this country can be quite extreme as I have some friends who become nervous to even visit gay pornographic sites because they feel their phones are being monitored. Many of us are afraid to meet gay friends that we have chatted with for the fear that they might be a “set-up” as we call them.
Despite the risks involved being gay in Nigeria, some of us try to enjoy the little freedom we have by attending gay house parties where we have to party quietly so the neighbours won’t suspect that it’s a party filled with gays. The same applies to visiting hookup dates in their flat who would ask you not to moan loudly because they don’t want the neighbours to hear a thing.
It’s a crazy world we live in. The closest thing we have to Pride are fashion shows. That’s where most gays show up to meet other guys in public because the fashion world is dominated by homosexuals.
I have thought of ways that this country could change, but the truth is our government would never rule out the anti-gay law. I recall that the anti-gay bill was actually passed while the US government was trying to influence the former president to grant gay marriage in Nigeria.
Instead of granting gay marriage, a rule was passed that set a bullseye on every gay man’s head. You may be able to change the mind of a few for them to accept that homosexuality isn’t evil as they claim, but the majority are stubborn.
Even as a gay rights activist, I’ve overheard colleagues at work spitting ignorant comments about gays and I say nothing because silence is the best answer for a fool. Also, arguing with stubborn people would amount to nothing because their hearts are filled with so much hate for the unknown. There was a documentary I watched titled Who Would Choose to Be LGBT and Nigerian by Ifeoma Fafunwa. In this documentary, random people were questioned on the street about how they would react if they found out that their relative was gay, and many people said they would hand them over to the police. Never underestimate the hate in their hearts because even my mother told me after I came out that she would lock me up in a room with a prostitute until I am straight.
The best solution for gays in Nigeria is to seek asylum in countries where homosexuality is legal. However, not many have the luxury to leave the country.