Living with the loss of a loved one

THE more deeply we love the more severe can be the pain of loss, so it is helpful to know a little of the process of healing which we go through. This will reassure us that the intense grief we feel is natural and not a sign that we are falling apart.

With bereavement comes emotional stages through which most people pass. These stages are not neat and tidy and we may feel several of them going on at once.

We are all different people and so we all have unique feelings. It is possible to swing from one stage to another, or indeed hardly experience one stage at all.

This does not mean that the grief of one person is deeper than another, simply that we have different ways of experiencing and coping with loss.

Some people speak of feeling a sense of isolation and loneliness since bereavement overshadows all relationships.

And our bodies react to bereavement in many ways – headaches, stomach pains, arthritis and other complaints can suddenly become apparent.

So it is important to look after ourselves, to eat and sleep properly.

There is nothing wrong with spoiling ourselves a little either.

This should not mean that we treat bereavement lightly as if it were just a phase that somebody was going through.

Progress is not automatic and somebody may still be grieving deeply after 20 years if they have not been helped through the process of bereavement.

One never recovers from bereavement, and yet there should come a time when we are able to live with our loss. Of course this may be a long time away.

Learning to live again means adjusting to being a different person in one sense.

Losing somebody is like having a part of oneself cut off. It takes time to reaffirm life and invest in new relationships and responsibilities. It is like learning to live all over again.

We are all different and can experience different things at different times. Nevertheless one thing that the bereaved nearly always have in common is that it takes time to recover.

Cruse Bereavement Care Wales offers information, publications and support for after the death of someone close.

Children and young people react differently depending on their age and understanding but all should be supported to understand and express grief.

They do not have the emotional capacity to focus on their grief for long periods of time and therefore it is not uncommon for grieving children and young people to become distracted by play.

This is a protective mechanism which allows the child or young person to be temporarily diverted from the bereavement.

Children and young people often revisit the death and review their emotions and feelings about their bereavement as they move through their stages of development.

They need time in order for them to address the bereavement they need to be given the facts regarding the death in language appropriate to their age or level of comprehension.

Avoid using metaphors for death such as, “Daddy has gone to sleep”, this will make the child or young person believe that Daddy will come back to them and may constantly ask when he is going to wake up.

Similarly the child or young person might encounter problems with bedtime and not wanting to sleep for fear of not waking up.

Call 0844 477 9400 for help or send an email to helpline@cruse.org.