Could you be at risk of ‘toxic positivity’?
No-one wants to dwell on the negative, but not facing tough emotions could be harmful, LIZ CONNOR learns
SINCE Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret became an international bestseller, people have been obsessed with the power of positive thinking.
The 2006 book gained fame for popularising the ‘Law of Attraction’ – the idea that thinking negatively or positively can attract more of these things into our lives.
But a growing school of thought suggests this relentless brand of positivity can have a harmful side.
What is toxic positivity?
“Toxic positivity is going straight to those feelings that we naturally want more of, like joy and happiness, and wanting to bypass the emotions that are more difficult to sit with,” says John-Paul Davies, psychotherapist, counsellor and author of personal development book, Finding A Balanced Connection. “The reason there’s a toxicity to it is that feelings are responses to things that are happening around us, so they need to be given space,” he explains.
Dr Lynda Shaw, a change specialist, chartered psychologist and cognitive neuroscientist (drlyndashaw. com), adds that there’s no such thing as good and bad feelings.
“All emotional states are valuable to our human experience, and anxiety, anger and fear are primitive ways of keeping us safe and well.”
Why can it be harmful?
“To move through pain, you need to feel it – and positive thinking can become toxic if you’re pressuring someone to always see the bright side of things,” notes John-Paul.
Dr Paul McLaren, a general adult psychiatrist at Priory Hospital Hayes Grove (priorygroup.com), says: “While statements like, ‘ Yes but look at all the good things you have’, have their place, they can be harmful to someone who is dealing with feelings which are appropriate and understandable – for example during periods of grief, or because they are suffering a depressive illness and really have very little choice about how they feel.”
Studies have found that hiding our feelings can cause significant psychological distress, and putting a happy spin on things can have a deeper effect on our psyche, messing with how we regulate emotions.
“If you had a chronic physical pain that you ignored, it could quickly get worse over time without treatment – and the same can be true with our mental health,” says Dr Shaw, who warns that burnout, disrupted sleep, prolonged grief or even PTSD can play into this.
While John-Paul says managing things like fear is important when ‘negative’ emotions become all too consuming, he believes it’s healthy to process your feelings, whatever they are – and anger and sadness can sometimes be useful too.
“Feelings also give us messages about whether something is OK or not OK about what we’re feeling.
“Anger tells us when our boundaries have been crossed, so if we avoid [feeling] those things, we lose the benefit of knowing what’s important to us and where our values lie. There’s worth in that, both when it comes to our physical and psychological safety.”
Plus, experts say that feeling pain is extra meaningful, as it can make happy times all the more enjoyable.
“Suffering gives us perspective, and some might argue, a greater ability to see and notice the joyous and positive experiences in life,” says psychologist Dr Courtney Raspin (courtneyraspin.com).
“The focus has moved too far onto ‘being positive’, and for good mental health, and should shift to ‘creating meaning’ through all of life’s ups and downs.”