You couldn’t make this stuff up
“Hi Ralph, my name is Janice and I can’t seem to get on to the internet, facebook or maps.”
Then a wee box appeared on my screen which read. ‘Ralph is typing.’ So I stared at the wee box for ages and ages until I got another message.
“Janice, I need to ask you a series of security questions.” I typed back “OK Ralph.” Ralph is typing. “Please give me your user name and password.”
Now, I could remember my user name but had completely forgotten my password.
However I thought I would be smart and jump to the next question I knew from past experience I would be asked.
“My user name is ****** and my mother’s maiden name is Craig.” Ralph is typing. I stared and stared at the small box and wondered if Ralph was typing his last Will and Testament because he was taking forever to reply.
“Janice, I will now have to ask you another alternative security question because your answer was out with my routine line of questions.” Seriously, I thought to myself. Ralph is typing. “Janice, what was the amount of your last phone bill?”
“Ralph, it was £16.40 or £16.80, I can’t remember the exact amount.”
And I prayed that Ralph would accept my inaccurate answer because it was close enough. Ralph is typing. “Janice we can’t accept that answer, please give me the first and last digit of you sort code.” Bloody hell. This is a nightmare. Next minute I lifted my handbag and spilled the contents out on to my desk in the hope of finding my bank card in amongst the debris.
Eventually “Here you go Ralph. It’s * and *.” Ralph is typing. I now deduced that Ralph must be typing with one finger because as much as I stared at the screen…. Nothing was happening.
“Thanks for the information Janice. What is your problem?”
I then went on to explain about my internet and Facebook dilemma and pressed send. Ralph is typing. At this point I wondered if Ralph was in Shettleston or Shanghai because I had no way of telling.
‘That’s sad Janice. Let me help you with some options.” Ralph is typing. By now I had been on my online chat for 25 minutes.
“You have used up all your data Janice. But don’t worry. I have many solutions.”
“Thanks. Ralph.” I thought I best indicate that I was still on the other end of this conversation. Ralph is typing. “Janice I can offer you a data bundle for £6 etc etc etc.”
Ralph’s list of solutions was endless and confusing for me so I just opted for the first option. Ralph is typing. “Janice I hope I have been very good for you.” Before I could reply. Ralph is typing. “Is there anything else I can help you with Janice?”
“No thank you Ralph, I think I have everything I need.” Ralph is typing. “Have a nice day Janice.” “You too Ralph.” Forty minutes after I started my online chat to Ralph, who was probably at the other side of the planet somewhere, I decided that next time I’d just pick up the phone and have real ‘Live Chat!’