Making memories of our

Vlogger tells of grief of two miscarriages and how she is now honouring her son

THEY had only seven hours together but Natalie and David Miller made memories of their son Aspen to ensure he is part of their family forever.

The tiny baby was stillborn in March this year, leaving his parents devastated but determined to honour him.

With sons Caleb, eight, and Blake, seven, Natalie and David thought their family was complete.

But they were over the moon to discover they were expecting again and announced the surprise at Christmas on their vlog – video blog – We’re The Millers.

Natalie said: “We were in shock and it was a big life change for us but we were happy and excited, looking forward to a new baby coming along.”

Natalie went for a scan at 13 weeks and the baby was moving so much, the radiologist was unable to take measurements.

The 39-year-old, who described her little boy as “a wee tiny dancer in my belly”, was told she would have to come back and was rebooked for 16 weeks.

She said: “It was at the time when the horrific snow was on so the kids were off school on the Wednesday.

“But there was something not right and I knew I needed to go for that scan that day.”

Natalie added: “The boys were so excited to see the baby but she started scanning and I could see for myself the baby wasn’t moving at all.

“I could see her face when she said, ‘Could you take the kids out the room?’ and I instantly knew.”

A second professional was called and it was confirmed there was no heartbeat.

It was explained that the couple would have to return in two days’ time to give birth to the baby.

Natalie said: “So, as you do, I did a lot of Googling to find out as much as possible.

“We were told we could see our baby afterwards but, obviously, at 15 weeks you don’t know what the baby is going to look like.

“I was trying to find pictures of babies at 15 weeks because I wanted to know if I wanted to see the baby or not.

“There was nothing to explain what the baby would look like or explain in detail what you would go through and it was at that point I decided that I was going to vlog it, but I didn’t decide if I was going to put the video up or not.”

Aspen Jesse Johnston Miller was born at 4.28pm on March 2 weighing 1lb 2oz and his parents sat with him until midnight, when they decided to let him go.

Natalie said: “I felt quite peaceful and I felt glad we

‘‘ It was lovely to be able to know he was a boy

had that time. He had silly little features that reminded me of the boys and it was lovely to be able to know he was a boy.

“I didn’t film too much but it’s horrific, you’re going through labour, you’re birthing a child, and after I had him I felt better that I’d been slightly prepared because there’s so little information.”

Natalie and David chose Aspen because of the snow and his older brothers chose Jesse as a middle name because they had picked out Jessica for a girl – the name means “gift”.

Natalie remembers how supportive their midwife was and how she phoned hours after her shift.

She added: “The midwife’s shift finished about 7.30pm and she phoned to say that when she got home she put the TV on and there was a show about Aspen in Colorado.

“And I thought that was lovely.

“It’s gone home with her, she’s not left it at the door.

“These people must carry that with them all the time and it takes an exceptional person to do that.”

The couple held a funeral for Aspen with just the two of them and said the funeral home provided all its services without cost.

Making the vlog post about her son also acted as therapy for Natalie – and allowed her to help other parents.

She said: “I thought a lot about putting it online.

“But I’ve had older women saying thank you so much, when this happened we weren’t allowed to grieve.

“It was ‘You’ve had a baby, it died, go home.’”

Caleb and Blake talk about their little brother constantly, which Natalie said was hard at first but now feels completely natural.

She added: “People have been wonderful. The only thing seems wrong is when people say he’s in a better place – he’s not in a better place, the best place for him would be here with his family.

“But I would never take that to heart because people don’t know what to say.

“The thought of losing a child is incomprehensible. It’s like no other grief.

“You change. I’m a completely different person. It takes a little bit with you.”

When Natalie and David were told their son had died in the womb, the hospital introduced them to the charity SiMBA and they were given a memory box.

The boys wrote little notes to their brother and the box provided ways to make memories.