PROBLEM SHARED
Advice
My son-in-law has been having an affair. My daughter only discovered it after finding photos on his phone. She’s told me that he says it’s over and she has forgiven him – but I can’t. They haven’t been married long and I feel that if he has done it once, he will do it again. I refuse to talk to him or have him in my home, and she tells me this is unhelpful and I should be supporting her, whatever she does. But I hate to see her being hurt – is it wrong to want to protect her?
TANYA SAYS This is a very difficult situation for you. As a protective mother, you must be feeling extremely angry that your daughter has been betrayed by the person you (and she) trusted to love and be loyal to her.
Your feelings are similar to those felt when our children are little and we find out they’re being bullied by another child. It’s further complicated by the fact that your daughter’s reaction is the opposite to yours. You’re furious and want this man out of her life (similar to not inviting a
Our adult children have to make their own choices and we parents have to respect that
bullying child around for another playdate). Your daughter, however, forgives him.
The stark truth is that, as an adult, your daughter has the right to choose how she manages this situation. Once you’ve made your feelings clear, you have no choice but to respect that.
Affairs are complicated and multi-layered. While it may upset you, it may be that, having heard her husband out, your daughter has accepted a narrative that allows her to understand why it happened. You fear that your son-in-law has spun a story that allows him to do it again. You watch and wait with anger and anxiety, afraid that your beloved girl will once more be hurt and betrayed. For a parent, those feelings are deeply challenging. But an affair doesn’t have to be the end of a marriage. In my experience, for some couples an affair enables an honest and often painful exploration of issues within the relationship. In effect, the affair is seen as a symptom of underlying problems that need to be addressed.
Given that your daughter is newly married, you might argue that it’s too early for the usual causes that sit behind an affair to be relevant (for example, boredom or a lack of sex). As this affair happened at the beginning of their marriage, it is important the couple seek professional support to explore why it happened. Was it sudden cold feet about being committed to one person for life on the part of your son-in-law? Or perhaps a final fling for him with someone he hadn’t let go of emotionally, despite loving your daughter?
Your daughter has made a choice and you must accept it. But I do think you should encourage couples therapy: suggest relate.org.uk or itsgoodtotalk.org.uk. I’d also advise you reverse your ban on your son-in-law entering your house. You don’t want your anger to deflect attention from the core issues the couple needs to look at: his infidelity and their relationship.
Whatever the outcome, the hardest thing for you is your fear that she will be hurt again. As a mother, I empathise with you, but our adult children have to make their own choices and we parents have to respect that, however painful it might be.
The one certainty is that your daughter has one person in her life who will never betray her. However hard she may fall, she’s lucky to have her loving mother to pick her up and soothe her pain.