PROBLEM SHARED
At the start of my second marriage I had hoped I’d never again be picking up someone else’s socks. I work, and contribute half financially, and yet I’ve found myself doing virtually everything around the house. My husband seems to be deaf when it comes to
with Professor Tanya Byron
TANYA SAYS This sounds less like a challenge for two adults in a relationship and more like a problematic dynamic between a parent and child. Couples can fall into such roles and, alongside old-fashioned gender stereotypes, women may sometimes mother their husbands, who, in turn, exhibit a need for this.
You are clearly frustrated, perhaps even more so because when you laid down your gauntlet, your husband agreed he’d do more. The fact that he hasn’t must leave you feeling that he has little respect for you.
The problem is, you’ve taken an all-or-nothing approach built around your threat. You’ve highlighted your frustration, but you haven’t progressed the conversation in a way that has enabled your husband to think beyond his own needs. It could be that he doesn’t help out because he feels inadequate, and worries he’ll do a task badly. This dynamic can arise when one partner becomes the gatekeeper of how things should be done. In doing so, they are demanding help while also overseeing the process.
It sounds as if this has become a battle for control in which one person tries to dominate while the other avoids being controlled. You dominate via your demands for help, which your husband ignores. He dominates by his inaction, which you collude with by continuing to do everything.
First, you need to look behind the actual issue and establish why you’ve become caught up in this pattern. Does your partner hold outdated views about the role of the woman in the home? Was he raised in a household in which a woman did all the chores?
In order for things to change, you must first tackle the battle by approaching the topic in a way that doesn’t give rise to resentment and leave your husband feeling belittled. Given that you both contribute equally financially, no one can argue that chores shouldn’t be split equally. Look at this together and decide who can take on what in a clear and unambiguous way. You should also be prepared to compromise your expectations of how tasks are done. However, if your husband does hold the view that it is women who should do all the household chores, this has to be addressed. I suggest you tackle this without judgement but also with an assertive clarity around the need to work together as a team.
Changing hearts and minds is best achieved by using constructive, non-confrontational dialogue. If conversation doesn’t yield results, then you may have to change your behaviour to prompt him to change his. You could stop doing tasks that will impact on your husband – his washing, his ironing, and cooking for him. By going on strike, you also enable your husband to appreciate the amount of work and effort you put into managing your shared household. A new perspective on this will hopefully shift his prevailing attitude and finally encourage him to step up.
Going on strike will show your husband just how much work and effort you put in