PROBLEM SHARED
When I met my partner we liked to have a drink and socialise, but alcohol made his behaviour unpredictable. Over time, we bought a house, had a baby and the drinking lessened. I didn’t drink, so I could look after our child. But his behaviour after alcoho
TANYA SAYS An alcoholic doesn’t have to be a fall-down drunk. It is estimated about half of alcoholics can be described as high-functioning individuals who are alcohol-dependent or functioning alcoholics. They maintain careers, raise a family and have many friends but are adept at disguising abusive drinking and tend to have strong denial about the extent of their problem.
Trying to persuade a loved one to address their drinking can be challenging but it is clear that your partner’s drinking and associated behaviour is having an
impact on the family and your relationship, as well as the potential health risks to him. The drinking guidelines are 14 units a week maximum for both men and women, spread over a period of three or four days, and to work this out consider that one bottle of wine contains about 10 units of alcohol. Even drinking more than 35 units a week makes someone a high-risk drinker.
Behaviour will only change when the reality of the impact of that behaviour hits home. It seems that over the years you have accommodated your partner’s drinking, which could be seen as a level of complicity. This is not to criticise you, as clearly a good relationship is based on compromise and acceptance. However, for your partner to address the impact of his drinking, he needs to understand it. This will be a tricky series of conversations that will require patience and the ability to appear nonjudgemental. The fact you feel anxious about how he might behave when he drinks means you risk becoming overly emotional if confronted by his denial.
What your daughter observes and feels will be confusing and potentially distressing to her. So the issues are many: your partner’s drinking, his behaviour, associated risks to his health, the impact on you and your relationship, and the impact on your child. You need to work out how to help him see this to empower him to decide to address his drinking.
Alcohol can be used in excess for
The key issue here is the impact on your daughter
a number of reasons – to manage stress and anxiety, to enable numbing and escape from pressure and depression, and to increase confidence. But once the positive effects are replaced by disinhibited behaviour, drinking becomes a problem.
If your partner drinks to manage stress, he will need support to replace alcohol with healthy stress-management activities, including exercise and mindfulness. If he is unhappy or struggles with anxiety, your GP can refer him for therapy. Drinkline runs a free, confidential helpline (0300 123 1110).
It is important he looks at addressing the underlying role of alcohol in his life. Maintaining healthy drinking will be the challenge as long-established habits require detailed functional understanding in order to shift them.
I suggest you contact adfam.org.uk, where you can get support from those who understand. I wish you all well.