MY GENERATION

Like mother, like daughter?

IT IS ASSUMED WOMEN WILL SHOULDER THE DOMESTIC LOAD

KITTY

My husband and I are equals in every sense; we juggle work and family life as a team. He works away a lot but, when he is home, domestic chores and childcare are split evenly. In fact, he tends to do more – out of appreciation of my holding the fort in his absence. In many ways, he’s better at this stuff than me – his army training means he wields an iron and Dyson with far more skill than I can claim, and he has endless energy and patience with the children. He can rustle up a decent meal and tackles the supermarket shop with military efficiency.

There is an ingrained inequality in our society that assumes women will shoulder the domestic and emotional load for their families – sacrificing themselves on an altar of play dates, present buying, meal planning and school runs. Me-time becomes a trip to the shops alone or, if you’re lucky, the occasional drink out with a friend. But men usually continue on the same trajectory after they become fathers – their bodies and lives and career don’t change so much. Guilt-free, they can still prioritise playing golf or going to watch the rugby with their mates. Thank goodness this is not the case for Ed and me. It was his decision to have children as much as it was mine, so bringing up our offspring is as much his responsibility.

We love time together as a family and (rarer) just as a couple, but we also give one another time off solo – mainly to exercise or for an evening out with

friends. When our daughter Chloe was almost three, Ed took charge for a week so I could go on holiday with my best friend. People were surprised (even judgemental), yet no one raised an eyebrow when Ed went skiing without us for a week the same year.

It works for us – and Ed’s ability and willingness to parent means that I am finally getting my career back on track and that benefits all of us. It’s a Saturday when I’m writing this, so he’s taken our children to the park and, unlike so many of his peers, doesn’t see it as babysitting – he’s just parenting. I get no accolades for doing that, why should he?

Our children are growing up knowing that mums and dads both work, both take on childcare, both cook and both clean. Of that I’m very proud. In fact, for Chloe at least, it might be life-changing: a group of psychologists at the University of British Columbia found that when a father performs a greater share of traditionally female household chores such as cooking, cleaning and childcare, his school-aged daughter is more likely to aspire to more gender-neutral (and often higher-paying) careers, such as becoming a doctor or lawyer. This is the kind of equality my mother and her peers fought for – what she raised me to believe I could have.

But now? Sometimes Mum (unwittingly) undermines our family life by praising Ed for completing the most basic of parenting tasks, telling me how lucky I am that he’s so good (I am lucky, but so is he!) and, if I’m away for work, offering to help, while I barely get a phone call on the weeks I’m in solo charge. Maybe I’d expect that from my mother-inlaw and 93-year-old grandmother – but not from my feminist mother!

BEL

Iadmit that perhaps my generation has a slightly more old-fashioned idea about male/female roles because, although ours was the time of women’s liberation, we were brought up in the old way. OUR mothers did all the cooking and cleaning, unless they were rich. My mum worked full time, but also cooked all the meals, knitted, sewed and did the washing and ironing. As for childcare – yes, when I was growing up, it was seen as more the job of women. It’s hard to unlearn what you witnessed.

But I’d also argue that sometimes loving and caring should trump ‘correct’ intellectual principles of equality – principles which (yes) my head does tell me to support. For example, if the husband comes home from his work exhausted, surely it won’t help their marital relationship if she snaps, ‘It’s your turn to do bath time.’ In those circumstances, I’d say, ‘Let’s do it together’ or give him a drink and wash the kids myself.

No relationship works by strictly arranging time and jobs according to prearranged rules and schedules. You have to exercise give and take. Before her wedding in 2009, Kitty and I argued over ironing. She said she had no need to learn that tedious chore. I said that, if her husband had a job interview, no shirt to wear and no time at all before the train had to be caught, wouldn’t it be an act of love to iron his shirt for him. Is that old-fashioned? Yes, maybe. But my experience tells me that no partnership works according to hardline rules. My husband can iron, as can my son-in-law – but ironing a loved one’s garments can be a rewarding task.

Of course, Kitty is right that couples should consider themselves equal, yet let’s be honest, some jobs always feel like a bloke’s. In her own household, she makes sure her husband does them (I’ve yet to see my girl holding a hammer!) and there’s nothing wrong with that – although I dislike the ‘helpless little woman’ act some females assume. When Theresa May defined her husband’s role as including ‘putting out the bins’, we know she meant that chore to represent a whole lot more support. She is lucky in Philip May and would be the first to say so – he’s her other half, her soulmate, the quiet man without whom she couldn’t function. She cooks, he puts out the bins – what’s wrong with that? It’s just the same in our household – and I am the chief breadwinner, too.

One news story made me very irritated some months ago. A paediatric surgeon was made to apologise after trying to praise a father for bringing his daughter to hospital when the mother was unwell. He was accused of gender stereotyping – as if this was a wicked offence. He’d praised the dad for ‘manfully’ stepping in, and the mother was livid. Yes, she was right to point out that the surgeon would never say she has acted ‘womanfully’ in taking her child. But, honestly, the level of outrage seemed out of proportion. It was always me who took Kitty to hospital when she was ill as a child, and I accepted this as my job, my loving duty, my own need to be at her side. Yes, it is my nature to nurture, and taking care of a sick child made me more of a mother. Some gender stereotyping has come about because, at root, it is just true.

No one is saying men can’t do it, because they do – and brilliantly. I admit I do tell my friends I reckon Kitty is lucky because her husband is so good at childcare. Who could argue that she’s fortunate to have met and married a good ’un? But hmmm, maybe I shouldn’t say it any more…

◆ Do you feel equal in your own home? Let us know what you think at good.housekeeping@hearst.co.uk

LET’S BE HONEST, SOME JOBS ALWAYS FEEL LIKE A BLOKE’S