SANDI TOKSVIG
This month our columnist delivers a moving tribute to her many pals and reveals a very sad piece of news. Sandi, it’s been an honour and a lot of fun
Bids a fond farewell
Regular readers of this column (I don’t like to be presumptuous, but hello to both of you) will know how much I love history. I like knowing how things began and who first thought of them. In these Brexit-based times, I don’t know what we should make of the fact that the word ‘friend’ comes from the German word frijand, meaning ‘one attached to another by feelings of personal regard and preference’. I don’t think that means the Germans invented friendship. I give them credit for all manner of other things – the genius of the parachute you can wear on your back, the brilliance of coffee filter paper, which helps kick-start my day, and the automobile. Now, here is a curious fact – for all of those things, we owe a huge debt to women.
It was German’s first woman aerialist, Katharina Paulus, who came up with the folding parachute, and it was Melitta Bentz, a woman fed up with coffee grounds ruining her morning drink, who, in 1908, invented filter paper. Although Carl Benz gets credit for his 1885 invention of the first practical motorcar, most people overlook the work of his wife, Bertha. The first car made limited runs of a short distance and Carl could see no real future in it, but Bertha had other ideas. In August 1888, without telling Carl, she put their two sons in the car and drove 66 miles to visit her mother. This made her the first person in the world to drive a car over any real distance. On the way, she invented brake pads by getting a shoemaker to nail some leather on the brakes and cleaned a blocked fuel line with her hat pin. She didn’t do it just to see Mum, but to prove to the world that the car was worth investing in.
I’ve been thinking about the invention of friendship. We don’t know who first thought it was a good plan to buddy up but I’m going to guess it was women. Women sitting in the cave, keeping the children from falling in the fire while discussing the chances of their bloke bringing home bison bacon. Then, over the centuries, when marriage came along, women were expected to move away from their families to be with their husband. I’m sure they needed each other then, if only to complain about the in-laws. My female friends form one of the most important parts of my life. I think of them in boating terms: sometimes they are a cruise ship of cocktails and chatter; sometimes a sturdy rowboat in which I would drift if they weren’t at the oars; and occasionally a life raft, which heaves into view the minute it is needed.
Friendship is good for you. Amazingly, the effect of having pals benefits your health in about the same way as stopping smoking. Being isolated causes stress and that’s enough to make you reach for a fag.
Of course, the odd chum can be a tad annoying on occasion but think about this – stop spending time with your friends and your blood pressure may go up and your chances of getting dementia may increase. Soon you won’t even remember to go out; or if you do remember, then your health won’t allow it.
My worry is that there are a wealth of studies that show many of us are in a time of declining friendships. More and more people are becoming isolated and relying on social media contact rather than the real thing. It’s been on my mind because I think of Good Housekeeping readers as my friends. I can’t recall when I first started writing for the magazine but I’ve certainly been doing this column for 15 years. It’s lovely, because it means lots of people come up to chat as they feel they know me. I love this but realise I need to get out more. So, with some sadness but also optimism, I am moving on to other things. I am, for example, writing a huge show about women being left out of history. Search for Katharina Paulus in Wikipedia’s entry on the history of parachuting and you will find she is overlooked. I want to do something about it and I want to spend more time with my pals. Of course, that includes you, so if you should see me in a cafe sometime, don’t forget to say hello. For now, though... bye
and thanks.
If you should see me in a cafe, don’t forget to say hello