NOW WE ARE SIX...

GH’S editor talks about life with a boomerang family

At the start of what was to become several bitter-sweet months, my husband and I sat on the sofa and looked at one another, contemplating the rest of our lives. The last of our three sons had just left home. We were alone, our empty nest peppered with boy-shaped holes.

I remember worrying about the following: would we two be enough for one another? Would we find things to talk about, to laugh about, to fight about? Was the house too big? Should we move from our costly property to something more affordable? But most of all, I worried about missing my children. Would the pain that hurt my heart ever stop?

Of course, when I returned from work each night to a clean and tidy home, there were happier thoughts, too: hallelujah, there isn’t a bike in the sitting room. There’s also food in the cupboards, space in the laundry basket and a closed lid on the toilet.

Plans emerged. Our new life as a carefree couple began to take shape. We’d be time and money rich. Simon and I would take that long-haul break outside of school holidays, with only two tickets to buy and ourselves to please. I searched estate agents’ sites for grown-up apartments that, with the sale of our family home, we could afford to buy with cash. I cancelled direct debits for my offsprings’ phone contracts and noticed with pleasure our dwindling grocery bills.

Weekends became longer, more leisurely and there were spontaneous outings and

treats – a little romance even. It reminded me of when I left home as a young adult and didn’t have to check in with anybody. My time – and my life – was my own.

Those empty nest months were liberating, the start of a new chapter. We smugly congratulated ourselves that our boys had launched – to university, on to a career and flat-share and into happy cohabitation with a long-time girlfriend. Then, one by one, they came back. First a flat-share tenancy ended and the reality of paying rent persuaded my youngest to hunker down with Mum and Dad and save his money. Next the eldest followed his career back to the big city, bringing with him his lovely girlfriend and the entire contents of their home. Finally, the middle one finished his degree and came home to live for the first time in five years.

Which brings us up to the present day. In just a few months, we have gone from a new life with a bathroom each and as much sofa space as we want, to a fight for the shower and a last-one-in-sits-on-the-floor situation.

We are the new Boomerang Family and we are not alone. More than three million children aged 20-34 are now living at home with their parents, according to the Office for National Statistics. This is more than a quarter of the population of young adults and the highest number since records began in 1996. Add together the increasing hurdles for first-time buyers, lack of social housing, high cost of private rental, terrifying tuition fees and a low-paid, uncertain gig economy and there are fewer options for our children than ever before.

For the empty nester grieving for her children, perhaps that’s not such a terrible proposition. But a recent study by the London School of Economics (LSE) has revealed that these boomerang children can cause a serious decline in the quality of life and wellbeing of parents.

‘When children leave the parental home, marital relationships improve and parents find a new equilibrium,’ says Dr Marco Tosi of the LSE. ‘They enjoy this stage in life, finding new hobbies and activities. When adult children move back, it is a violation of that equilibrium.’

For the returning child, there can be a threat to autonomy and self-image. For the parent, there are renewed economic and emotional demands, not to mention a loss of privacy and spontaneity (we had abandoned dressing gowns for middle-ofthe-night bathroom visits).

My friend Maggie, whose daughter has returned home to live, can relate to this. After a particularly muddy earlymorning dog walk she had just stripped off and put every stitch of filthy clothing into the washing machine when her girl’s boyfriend wandered sleepily into the kitchen. Equilibrium violated – for both of them.

Experts say we need to have The Talk. Before we go any further, we should set house rules, including who pays for what and bathroom (and dressing-gown-wearing) etiquette. We’ll need to give the children space and independence and bite our tongues at the unexpected interruption to this new phase Simon and I had anticipated.

For the moment, every room in the house is bulging with belongings and the hot water and tumble dryer are permanently on. The dishwasher is never empty, the fridge never full, the hallway once more filled with shoes – and now they are all adult-sized.

There are advantages, though. We’re allowed to earn £7,500 a year tax-free by charging rent. At £200 a month each for the

‘The dishwasher is never empty, the fridge never full, the hallway once more filled with shoes – and now they are all adult-sized’

[continued from previous page] three in work (we’ll give our uni returner a few months’ grace), that’s £7,200 in the kitty, thank you very much. Occasionally, one of our new housemates brings in a bottle of wine or a few bottles of beer, avocados and expensive ice cream can appear and there’s always someone in to receive the endless Amazon deliveries.

And there are other benefits. We’ve been given a chance to watch our children live as adults and for them it’s an opportunity to spend time with siblings without the angst of their teenage years. Simon and I can sneak to the cinema or escape to our bedroom – in fact, the lack of sofa space is an added incentive. And then there’s the expensive coffee machine that is ours to use for as long as the eldest is with us.

Our new life has been put on hold, but this unexpected time with our grown-up children is a bonus. One day, the boys and their friends and partners will be truly gone and my heart will hurt once more. Well, that’s the plan...