MY GENERATION
Mum and daughter talk family holidays
BEL
Does not wanting to go on holiday with my grandchildren make me Bad Granny? If so, I have to raise my hands and accept the criticism. I vividly remember how wonderful it was when my own two were young – the way my parents whisked them away for wonderful holidays. I appreciated both the break and the knowledge that they were all having a terrific time. My mother was still working in an office in those days but wanted nothing else than to spend her holiday looking after her precious two grandchildren. My father was endlessly patient with little ones and loved to play. They were perfect, selfless grandparents.
But I’m not like that. We have had jolly holidays in Polzeath, Crete and Zanzibar with Kitty and her family – and yes, they were enjoyable. But (and this is a big ‘but’) any holiday with children is hard work. And at (nearly) 72, I am still producing reams of journalism and planning books, which means that my two weeks off (that’s all) each year is a time for necessary rest. How can that happen with all the demands of children? Young parents have energy – even if they are tired. Grandparents… well, perhaps not so much. And who can blame us for feeling, ‘Been there, done that?’ I remember friends telling me that it was fine being a grandparent because you could ‘have them to stay and then hand them back’. But on holiday you can’t – not really. Since my ideal vacation involves pottering with my husband in art galleries, museums and old buildings and relaxing in the sun with a book, that’s not very child-friendly. Must I apologise for wanting that special time off?
Of course, all this has to be set into context. I’m lucky enough to see my family all the time, since my son lives next door and this summer Kitty & co lived with us for quite a while, too, waiting to move house. Naturally, I’d feel very
‘Must I apologise for wanting that special time off?’
different if they lived at the other end of the country or abroad. But I also recognise that my feelings about the limits of grandparenting are quite widely shared. These days, plenty of older women still work, or have retired to set up businesses that need enthusiastic attention. It’s not quite so easy to drop everything and get down on the floor and play Lego – even if the new hip would allow it!
That brings me to the issue of ageing, too. A generation ago, when women had their families at a younger age, grandparents were more youthful. My mother reminds me that when I had my son in 1974, she was only 50, but when Kitty had Chloe in 2012, I was 66. That’s quite a difference in terms of energy levels. I hate to admit I’m not the superwoman I was – but that truth has to be faced. At home with my grandchildren, I’ll rush around after them, cook their tea, make teddies ‘talk’ like a puppeteer, fold up the washing and read stories. But I do want time off – from work and from family, too.
I suspect this is quite an issue nowadays – young mothers wanting their mothers and fathers to help out while those parents decide to do their own thing. Social changes play a part. The rise in divorce among older people often involves finding new partners. In that case, Mum may be less inclined to play the grandparent role because an exciting new life beckons. How can you be there for story time when you’re touring Europe with your new beau? And if grey-haired Dad is on a Danube cruise with his delightful, divorced lady friend, he can’t get out the old train set, can he? I admit I used to imagine the future on our farm with my ex-husband when our children finally brought their own children to stay… but, sadly, it wasn’t to be. Now we both have new spouses and new lives, even though we adore the children and grandchildren we share. And this is how life is, for many older people – complicated. But in the end, the love is still simple.