ACTION MUST START IN EVERY HEART

Bel Mooney on how we can help each other deal with loneliness

What’s called the ‘festive season’ is far from jolly for those who glimpse the brightly lit windows of other peoples’ lives and feel left out and lonely. Surely it is the cruellest irony, that in our era of mass-communication, loneliness is now considered a serious public health threat. People of all ages seem to spend their lives texting and on social networks, yet loneliness is a scourge for young and old alike. A BBC Radio 4 survey showed that levels of loneliness were actually highest among those aged 16-24, with 40% saying they often feel lonely, while (less surprising) figures suggest that 200,000 older people haven’t had a conversation with a friend or relative in more than a month. What is going on?

Of course, there’s nothing new about loneliness. The Beatles recorded Eleanor Rigby in 1966, asking, ‘All the lonely people, where do they all come from?’ But now the situation has become so appalling that in January 2018 the Government appointed MP Tracey Crouch as the first minister for loneliness. Before her recent resignation, she pledged to lead a drive against the social epidemic, which experts say can be as unhealthy as smoking – in that the toll on mental, as well as physical, health is incalculable. Just two months ago, the Government announced plans to encourage GPS to ‘prescribe’ clubs and activities (just as advice columnists like myself have been doing for decades) instead of medication, and ask Post Office workers to check up on the lonely. Loneliness affects people from all backgrounds – from the shy child, to the young mother stuck at home in a new area, to the middle-aged divorcee who finds the grass is far from greener when he or she ditches the marriage, to the carer looking after a loved one and the one-in-three

Experts say loneliness can be as unhealthy as smoking

The majority need company to give their lives meaning

people over 75 who say their loneliness is out of their control. The bitter unhappiness of social isolation wears many sad faces and may well be living right next door to you. In fact, a worldwide study named Britain as the ‘loneliness capital of Europe.’

RISKS OF FEELING ALONE

For the past 13 years, as the Daily Mail’s advice columnist, I’ve been answering letters from lonely people. Two themes crop up again and again – loneliness within an unhappy marriage as well as after divorce, and the terrible isolation of elderly people whose family just don’t bother. A certain grandmother has written to me many times, simply because she needs to get her misery and confusion off her chest. Her son and daughter-in-law no longer allow her to see the grandchildren, and she doesn’t understand why. They ignore her, each Christmas she is alone again and this year she sent me a little poem, which made me weep.

Loneliness can shorten life. An extraordinary study published last year leaves us in no doubt that without human contact the mind and body might fail. Of course, the shocking statistics refer to actual physical conditions – for example, social isolation can increase the chance of a stroke by 30% and premature death by up to 50%. It is associated with a 43% higher risk of first-time heart attack and those who already had cardiovascular problems are 50% more likely to die if socially isolated.

Why? Because chronic loneliness can break the spirit. A distinguished oncologist told me how often widows and widowers quickly develop cancer. After the death of their loved ones, their bodies murmur that there is no point in going on. The will to live alone just isn’t there. You see, like any plant, the human heart needs sustenance – and will wither without life-giving food. Of course, some plants need more water than others, and so some people are happy loners. But others (the majority) need company to give their lives meaning. Like my three dogs, we humans are pack animals, instinctively choosing to exist within social and emotional structures

for mutual support – and also to keep society as stable as possible.

The statistics on loneliness make me despair. For example, the mental health charity Mind has found that millennials are at most risk of feeling alone over the festive season and are twice as likely as the elderly to have no one to spend the day with. How can this be true? Where are their families? For that matter, where are the relatives of the elderly people whose lives are utterly miserable? Yes, some may have no family while others may have quarrelled with relatives. But the painful truth is that many families are plain lazy and neglectful. If you have an older relative you know is alone, for pity’s sake pay a visit – or at least pick up the phone.

It struck me as terribly sad when the clinical adviser to Public Health England recently suggested that voice recognition devices for the home could help alleviate loneliness. Would an Intelligent Personal Assistant like Amazon’s ‘Alexa’ really help pensioners feel less isolated? Who derives comfort from a machine? Surely it would be wiser to counsel adopting a little dog or cat from one of the many overcrowded shelters. An animal will respond with affection and reciprocal need – and many readers write to tell me they’ve found much comfort in a beloved pet. MAKE IT A HABIT

A commission set up by murdered MP Jo Cox (who was passionate about this issue) before her tragic death, has set out a ‘call to action’ that says it’s not just government that must act, but ‘each and every one of us.’ Indeed. For surely the chief duty of care for the family should rest squarely within the extended family? My parents live about four miles from my home and I would consider myself a bad daughter if I didn’t see them at least twice a week. Why? Because – apart from the love – I owe them.

Old-fashioned ideas like ‘duty’ are relevant here. After all, it doesn’t take much effort to pick up the phone for a chat. Ultimately, most people (apart from the fiercely independent) feel defined by relationships. But unless we work at those relationships – consider how we speak to our loved ones, how we are bringing up our children, how we treat our friends, whether we should check up on an elderly aunt, and so on – those relationships will wither and die. Think about it. What you sow, so shall you reap.

Action must start within every heart. I was impressed when comedian Sarah Millican was inspired to start her #Joinin campaign seven years ago, to help make the so-called festive season a bit easier. The aim is to get people talking on Twitter by using the #Joinin hashtag. It’s been a great success, putting people in contact with others in a similar situation, and therefore tackling the demoralising certainty that somehow loneliness is all your own fault. TAKE THE PLUNGE

I would advise anybody who feels lonely to check out every single thing that might be on offer. Check out the organisation Community Christmas (communitychristmas.org.uk) and either organise something yourself or volunteer to help others. Find out what’s happening at local churches because they are usually warm, welcoming places that offer coffee and company. Look at the Mind website to discover some excellent advice for combating loneliness (mind.org.uk/ information-support/tips-for-everydayliving/loneliness).

There is no excuse for people to be lonely. We can all help each other. Reach out beyond the closed circle of selfhood. Put down those screens to look, listen, sense and talk. Try a real hug instead of a virtual one. Bother to visit a person who needs you (the weepy mate whose lover has left or the gran who rabbits on about her knees) because even if you don’t want to, you’ll feel better for being good. We have to see the statistics as a warning and think about how we treat all those we meet. There is no greater, more positive realisation than to say that we are all in this together – and a hand held out to another will itself receive a welcoming grasp.

We can all help each other. Reach out beyond the closed circle of selfhood