SUSAN CALMAN
She’s dreamed of going on a cruise since childhood, so our columnist was completely swept away when she finally got the chance to step on board…
Our columnist on how she has fallen in love with cruise ship holidays
I’m a woman who doesn’t much like a holiday. The organisation, the admin and, to get some real sunshine, you have to go so annoyingly far away from home. Friends of mine talk with utter joy and excitement about their plans, while I sit in the corner, grumbling away, like the holiday Grinch. But I’ve always had a secret vacation vision, a dream I have harboured since I sat at my granny’s feet on a cold winter’s day, transfixed by the Technicolor joy of 1970s show The Love Boat. I wanted to go on a cruise. My friends thought I was mad, so for years I hid my desires, watching Jane Mcdonald in the middle of the night in case anyone caught me and exposed my fantasy.
Then, two years ago, I got a lucky break when I was asked if I wanted to go on a Strictly Come Dancing cruise, after my stint on the show. I’d be working while I was on board but I’d also get the chance to experience a full tour around the Mediterranean. I danced around my living room as my dreams were about to come true.
If you’re wondering what a Strictly cruise entails, let me explain. I wasn’t doing any dancing (sadly Kevin Clifton wasn’t available and I am physically incapable of jiving with anyone else), but the glitter was still more than evident as we powered across the water. A lively question and answer session with passengers was the main focus of my time on the ship, where I answered all of the burning queries that the public had.
Q: What were you thinking about when you had to do sexy dances? A: Macaroni and cheese. Q: Did you really get a tattoo that says ‘I love Grimsby’ on your foot?
A: Yes. The ‘distinguishing marks’ section of the passport application is a lot of fun.
Q: Was it easy to go to the toilet in those Strictly outfits?
A: It was horrific. Harry Houdini would have resorted to scissors if caught short.
It really is a shipload of glitter and camp on a Strictly cruise. There are fashion shows featuring the real outfits we wore, cabaret with the professional dancers and even masterclasses where passengers can learn all the moves.
The highlight for me was the guest competition. Cruisers had been practising their steps for two weeks and, on the last night, they performed their routines in front of me, professional dancer Ian Waite and the terrifying Craig Revel Horwood.
I think it’s fair to say that I was nicer than Craig – especially when he described a lovely woman, who was having the time of her life with the Charleston, as looking like a ‘demented Annie’.
The ship itself was shiny and gorgeous and every day there was something new to discover. I knew I’d found my happy place. In my mind, I looked like a film star as I wandered around deck in my linen suits sipping glasses of wine as the sun shone on the waves. The film star I resembled might have been Danny Devito, but
I didn’t care. I joined in every activity going with gusto.
And don’t get me started on the food or I’ll never stop. From seven in the morning until late at night there was a smörgåsbord of delights available. I spend so much time at home planning, shopping and cooking meals that not having to think about what I was eating next was the ultimate in relaxation. Three times a day we grazed at the buffet, attacking it with tactical precision for ultimate enjoyment.
My desk is now full of brochures for cruises and
I want to see the world by sea. I’m so excited that I’ve genuinely been planning my retirement cruise around the globe and that’s at least a couple of decades away. The only thing that could make my love of cruising even greater is if I could meet Jane Mcdonald on board. If you’re reading this, Jane, call me to coordinate diaries!
In my mind, I looked like a film star sipping wine on deck in my linen suits