‘DIVORCE IS TOUGH BUT I’M MUCH HAPPIER’
A year after her high-profile split, presenter Beverley Turner reveals the reinvention that helped her emerge stronger and ready to love again
Beverley Turner talks about emerging stronger after her much publicised divorce
Last year, my marriage to Olympic gold medallist James Cracknell came to a rather public end after 18 years. It was the perfect storm of attention: we were forced to announce our separation when a tabloid picked up on rumours; one month later, at 46, James was on the front page of every newspaper after becoming the oldest man to be in the winning boat in the Oxford/cambridge Boat Race, and then appeared on TV’S most watched show Strictly Come Dancing. The children and I were followed by paparazzi in vans – we were even ambushed in the car park of a high school as my daughter entered to sit an exam.
ROAD TO REINVENTION
I had no regrets. Ending the marriage was the biggest decision of my life but I was driven by the idea that we have a short, precious stint on this planet and we all deserve to be happy. Our three children needed to grow up knowing what a kind, loving and respectful relationship looked like. Early parenting years are chaotic, challenging and bereft of uninterrupted conversation. But once the kids can do the school run alone and greater independence occurs for them, and therefore us, we are forced to ask niggling questions: is this the person I can rely on when life gets tough? Can I enjoy sunset cocktails with them; debate the kids’ long-term life choices and potter around the garden alongside them? Will that man on the other end of the sofa make me feel like a goddess even if I’m wearing an apron and cursing the overcooked meat? Can our partners support us satisfactorily as our needs, wants and ambitions change?
My situation was complicated by the fact that James sustained a near-fatal brain injury in 2010, rendering him quite different from the man I married: not all bad, but sufficiently tricky for me to still miss version one.
Nearly a year after having the toughest conversations of my life, I am immeasurably happier. Reinvention is almost solely the preserve of women. We must reinvent ourselves as motherhood or caring for elderly parents disrupts careers. We reinvent if we are widowed or forced to follow a partner’s better-paid job. It’s a vastly under-appreciated skill at which generations of females have become adept, and divorce leads 42% of married women to embark upon it. But once the conversations are had, the tears shed and the lawyers paid… then what? We are forced to ask, ‘Who am I now?’
Reinventing our identities affects every part of our lives: financially, emotionally and practically. It even manifests in the most trivial, visual ways: what do we wear as single women? How do we do our hair and make-up? I ended up giving a generous pile of my dowdy (but oh-so comfy!) woolly jumpers and unflattering trousers to a charity shop. In some instances, it even involves changing the very essence of our individuality: our names. Thankfully, I remained Turner when we married, for both professional and principled reasons, so at least I don’t have the hassle of reordering passports and utility bills.
TOUGHEST HURDLE
Even though I’d had a relatively successful career as a TV and radio presenter prior to meeting James, I married a man who was better known to everyone in a room. Even when
I was hosting three of my own TV shows on ITV and Sky One, we would attend dinners where my name card would read ‘Mrs James Cracknell’. James thought it was as ludicrous as I did. But, in certain circles, the female partners of successful men remain little more than appendages. This isn’t confined to the sports world but also business environs, the financial sector and politics. There are, of course, places where I’m now known as ‘James Cracknell’s ex-wife’ but it occurs less and less as I increasingly step back on to my own path.
And I am determined to do that. You don’t realise until you step away from a toxic situation just how much energy it drains. Too many women, and men, are mentally fire-fighting – often without knowing it. There is a lightness that comes with removing that constant demand that shows on our faces and in our laughs. ‘You look great!’ has been the unexpected partner of hello hugs.
Wise words from smart women have sustained me on this journey. Few more astute than those of an old friend – also divorced – who said, ‘Getting to the other side is only really a series of very difficult conversations.’ She was right. Stepping off the cliff of marriage when you have three kids is not a decision any woman takes lightly. But, once you do, the toughest hurdle is speaking the words that will lead to changes resulting in the
Reinvention is almost solely the preserve of women
You don’t realise until you step away from a toxic situation just how much energy it drains
upset of so many: grandparents, in-laws and, of course, children. Knowing that a momentous decision causes so many ripples is terrifying. I’ve since wondered how many people are trapped in miserable situations – work, relationship or lifestyle – simply because they are as fearful of the difficult conversations as much as the subsequent life changes. How do you find the words to start sentences that will cause so much pain?
My older sister, Cal, advised me to focus on what would not change for the children (she’s happily married so God knows where she learned such insight), so I explained that, although Mummy and Daddy wouldn’t be ‘married’ any more, we’d remain friends, we’d still love them, they would live in the same house and they’d go to the same schools. Then their best friends came for a sleepover and they had a disco in the kitchen.
James was living in Cambridge so practically nothing did change. I learned that the children took their lead from me. If you appear fine, they are much more likely to believe everything will be okay. This isn’t always easy, of course (and it’s a skill I probably perfected after James’s accident), but it’s empowering to know that even faking a ‘brave face’ can guide them through with strength and positivity.
FINDING JOY AGAIN
I’ve certainly done more mothering since the separation. Cooking porridge in the kitchen half-light every morning and reading bedtime stories every night has been exhausting but unexpectedly rewarding. The girls (aged eight and 10) and I quickly established our ritual: electric blankets go on while teeth are cleaned and then I snuggle up with the youngest while her older sister sits in the armchair issuing eye-rolls and one-liners at the expense of her little sister’s choice of book. It’s become my favourite time of the day (on the occasions when I don’t also fall asleep mid-read). It gives us time to talk, laugh and create our new normal. And when the sheer weight of responsibility gets too much, I call on my mother, the incomparable rock who allows me time to myself when I simply can’t read another bedtime story.
Financial independence is scary, but I’ve always been a ‘cut-your-cloth-accordingly’ girl and, if I must cut back on my trips to Zara, so be it. The challenge of balancing books appeals to my inner-organiser. And it’s liberating to know that every penny being spent is under my control.
The universe sent me a wonderful new partner (another James… which has its pros and cons!) via a mutual friend. He happens to be a domestic god 14 years my junior, who built a surprise vegetable patch in my garden when I was on holiday with the kids, created an outdoor cinema screen and replaces light bulbs on the day he notices they’ve blown. He listens when I simply need a rant. He is as good at spinning me round a dancefloor as he is at running me a bath. He laughs at my extreme gratitude for this kindness, claiming that this is what a ‘normal relationship’ is meant to look like. But with a busy diary and a harassed brain, these are the small, everyday gestures that I am thankful for when I turn out the lights at night.
The age gap is surprisingly irrelevant and has forced me to revise long-held assumptions about non-conventional pairings. It seems that, everywhere I look, women are with younger men: Helena Bonham Carter, Kate Moss and Sharon Stone to name a few. Women who are young at heart make perfect partners for men who can keep up with their mischief and aren’t threatened by wisdom, confidence or a matter-of-fact resilience. We don’t live together and it’s too soon to envision that. But it’s an almighty joy to spend each day knowing somebody supports you unconditionally and allows you to be yourself without fear of misunderstanding. It turns out that not only is the grass greener, it’s also softer, quieter and I am enjoying lying upon it, feeling the sunshine on my skin and watching the horizon with excitement – not fear.