NAVIGATING LIFE’S BIG CHANGES

Psychotherapist Julia Samuel couldn’t understand why she was angry when her only son got engaged. Then she realised it was all about embracing life’s milestones…

Psychotherapist Julia Samuel on how to embrace new milestones

Having been a therapist for the past 30 years, witnessing the curve balls and turbulence in our lives, I know that a good life is built on good relationships. So one of my dreams for my children was that I would witness them being in loving relationships.

That picture did not fit with the visceral, burning anger I felt in response to my son’s engagement. When he and his fiancée called to tell us the news, I was delighted: proudly telling my friends and even a tad smug that my son and his three sisters were all now in committed relationships. I loved my future daughter-in-law; I loved seeing my son blissfully happy, so I should have been filled with joy. But anger crept up on me, at first unseen for what it was. As it grew, I realised it was because my son was leaving me, walking away without a backward glance. As he should. As he must.

I could not marshal my feelings into obedience; I wanted to pick a fight with my son about anything. Fortunately, I had the insight to sit on my urge; instead, I chose to stomp around the room ranting at my husband. To stop my trigger finger from firing, every day I made myself write in my journal for 10 minutes, run for 20 minutes, meditate for 10 minutes, then watch something funny on TV. I find that combination is the best antidote to anger.

I knew that at the heart of my rage were my issues around love, power, separation and ageing. I needed to adapt internally, and move into the next phase of life as a parent to an adult child. It was on me to examine my relationship with change.

Life is about change – we know that

– yet the experience of it is often more difficult than we realise. It feels scary, and can turn us upside down.

CHANGE REQUIRES COURAGE

I’ve written my book This Too Shall Pass to help people understand their own experience of change by reading about people who have faced transitional crises while in therapy with me. Those changes might be in family, love, work, health or identity, but the universal connection between them is that the things we do to avoid the pain of change are often the things that do us harm in the long term.

In the disorientating flux of not knowing, one thing is certain: we need to adapt in order to grow through it. Change requires our courage to face the pain. It is an active process that demands commitment and endurance. The research is unequivocal:

those who remain rigidly the same are more likely to suffer when change is forced upon them; it limits their capacity for joy in life, and even for success.

Of course, change that we don’t want, such as divorce or job loss, is harder to deal with. Dramatic events can trigger a psychological crisis, but it is important to know that a breakdown can ultimately be a breakthrough.

Divorce for my 73-year-old client Esther* was as much a loss as if it had been a death. She felt sadness, anger, grief and huge waves of failure. So when she felt the first tingling of attraction to another man, shame curdled and blocked it. We discovered that the source of her shame was the memory of her mother’s oversexualised behaviour towards any man, and her critical voice muttering ‘wanting sex at my age is gross’. But Esther’s ability to be patient and allow the process to evolve was transforming. One morning she walked, giggling, into our session, telling me: ‘I’ve met a very, very important person… it’s gone off like a rocket. Day nine feels like nine months.’

When a new life stage emerges, it can reignite old but powerful feelings. Ayesha* found her mid-50s particularly tricky. She’d ignored the signs of menopause until it hit her. She was a beautiful woman who sought intensity, telling me, ‘The words “happy medium” strike fear into me.’ And menopause represented everything that was middling: middle age, mediocrity and the slippery slope to deterioration. To add to her confusion, she had also been made redundant. Feeling desolate without the structure of a job, she realised it had provided more than money. It had given her purpose and meaning, and she missed the connection with her tribe of colleagues.

The adjustment process for Ayesha was intense. Over many months (change takes longer than we would choose), she faced down her fears and developed new habits and attitudes. Eventually, she told me, ‘I love the idea of winding down – that this is a really important part of my life.

It is kind of exciting, not seeing myself constantly through the prism of others.’

If we have the courage to face difficulties with self-compassion, and the endurance to weather the upheaval, then change will bring growth. With it, comes the liberating humility of being grateful in the present while hoping for a positive future.

I needed to adapt internally, and move into the next phase of life as a parent to an adult child