HOW TO HAVE A HAPPIER RELATIONSHIP

For 25 years, self-help guru Paul Mckenna has been helping people overcome their problems. As he publishes his first book on relationships, he guides us through the minefield of how to nurture love

Paul Mckenna teaches us how to nurture love

There is no such thing as the perfect relationship. Every couple has ups and downs, and sometimes we fall into habits, or past events shape our perception and behaviour. I know this from personal experience. For years, I was commitment-phobic, happily single and harbouring the ridiculous view that people in relationships were trapped. My career was more important to me than anything else. But after deciding to shift my mindset, I realised that my long-time colleague, Kate, was the person I truly loved to be with and, in 2016, we got married.

We have just had one of the happiest years of our lives together and it wasn’t by chance. We worked out what was really important to us – spending time with family and friends, being intimate, being honest, and sharing and listening to each other – and we set our lives around those things.

One scientist claims he can tell in just 20 minutes whether or not a relationship will work. Dr John Gottman, of The Gottman Institute in the US, spent years observing and analysing couples. He identified specific patterns of language that indicated when a relationship was in trouble: personal criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.

Identifying these signs is the place to start. My new book, 7 Things That Make Or Break A Relationship, anyone who wishes they could make their relationship last, and is about how we can create better rapport and understanding. Here are the basics...

DISCOVER YOUR LANGUAGE OF LOVE

We all think in a number of different ways, but we tend to have a preference for either visual, auditory or kinaesthetic communication. Working out which one you and your partner prefer will improve the way you react to each other.

For example, I’m an auditory person. I have always been an attentive listener, picking up on the details of someone’s tone and the words they use in conversation. My wife, on the other hand, is visual. A bunch of flowers goes a long way, or a gesture she can see, like a cup of coffee or a handwritten note.

For me, learning about the different forms of communication was a game changer. Not only did I understand myself better, I also understood Kate. And we can both bear in mind each other’s preferences as a result, which helps to strengthen our bond.

Visual people use words predominantly to paint pictures. They will say phrases with visual language, such as, ‘I see what you mean,’ and respond well to love shown through acts of service and visible gifts.

Auditory people take in absolutely everything that is said to them. They may not be looking directly at you, but they will be listening intently. Show them your love by telling them, meaningfully, what you appreciate about them. Listen to music together, take them to concerts and, when you agree with them, don’t just nod – they need verbal affirmation. Their language will include sound-based phrases like, ‘That sounds good’ or, ‘That rings a bell.’

Kinaesthetic people go on feelings and instinct. They need touch, hand-holding and physical intimacy, and enjoy gifts that are rewarding to hold and use. Go to places where they can do something physical, such as walking, dancing, tennis or sailing. They will say things like, ‘I have a good feeling about this.’

AVOID PERSONAL CRITICISM

Nobody likes to be in the wrong. That’s why, when it comes to disagreements, we often leap to a defensive position. For example, imagine one partner says, ‘Shall we go on holiday?’ and the other says immediately, ‘I don’t think we should go away.’ The first partner will feel shut down. But then, instead of moving past

Couples who get on well express admiration for each other regularly

the negativity, they might react by saying, ‘Why are you always so negative?’ By jumping to a judgement of character, the disagreement is no longer about the original subject. Personal criticism muddies the waters between a person and their actions.

AGREE TO DISAGREE

Try to focus on the discussion in hand. For me, the big breakthrough in my marriage was learning that we could agree to disagree. Previously, I had always thought that in relationships, you just argued until somebody gave up. However, whenever we have an argument, my wife says, ‘Okay, we don’t agree now, so let’s talk about it again in the morning.’ When we do that, inevitably we’ll realise that we were just tired or stressed the night before, and actually, the subject of our argument was irrelevant. I have learned that this technique allows for more rational discussion, once you have had time to order your thoughts. We all hate being shut down, so listening to the other person and, equally, feeling like your opinion is being heard is crucial.

REALLY CONNECT WITH YOUR PARTNER

We all like affirmation, so take every opportunity to connect. Don’t assume your partner knows you think they look nice – tell them. If you’re grateful that they’ve tidied the house, let them know. If they ask to hold your hand, do it. Dr Gottman has observed that couples who get on well express admiration for each other regularly.

A long-term relationship is a continuous conversation. What you say to each other has a constant effect on how you both feel. Many of the actions and things we say are bids for attention. If you say, ‘Hello,’ when you come in from work and all you get back is a flat, ‘Hi,’ it feels bad. If you get a warm, ‘Hi there, how was your day?’ it feels good. These little bids happen over and over, every day. When partners respond to them, they feel warm towards each other and the relationship is nourished.

USE THE MIRRORING TECHNIQUE

According to one scientific study, when people communicate, 7% of the meaning is conveyed by verbal content, 38% by the tone, and 55% by body language. We can dramatically increase our rapport by simply matching the body posture and gestures of another person – this is called ‘mirroring’, and it can work just as well in intimate relationships as it can when we’re talking to strangers.

Mirroring is not an attempt to mimic someone. It is much more gentle and subtle, as you align yourself with someone’s rhythm or tone. For example, if they are very animated and use a lot of gestures when talking, you might use your hands more than usual. It can be as simple as leaning forward slightly because the other person does so. When people get on well, their patterns will naturally converge. So, when it comes to romantic relationships, mirroring can be an effective way to pacify tension or improve communication. It is about being in harmony with the other person.

REALISE WHAT MATTERS

I call this activity ‘hindsight ahead of time’. Imagine going into the future, towards the end of your life. I would like you to make the assumption that it has been amazing. Now, look back on the decades – see all your achievements, experiences, relationships and family.

Ask yourself, ‘What made my life so wonderful?’ and make a list of the values that come into your head. Ask your partner to try this, too. Then, sit down together, compare your thoughts and make a list of your shared values.

LOOK AFTER YOURSELF

Self-care is at the core of happiness, so think about what you can do to keep yourself well. It could be going to the gym, eating well, spending time with people you enjoy being around, or doing a job you love. However, you also need to feel good about yourself. So many of my clients admit to looking in the mirror and being instantly self-critical. Try this: when you look at your reflection, remember a time when someone paid you a compliment that made you walk taller, or do a little dance inside. Imagine how it made you feel. By holding on to that positive reaction, you will project confidence. Feel good about yourself, and others will feel good about you, too. • 7 Things That Make Or Break A Relationship (Bantam Press) by Paul Mckenna is out now