THE 8 PILLARS OF STRENGTH

Julia says: ‘Learning from my experience with clients and based on contemporary research, I have developed this framework to help you support yourself when you enter a new phase of life. It offers attitudes, habits and ways of being that can keep you balanced when life tilts you from your centre. Eight can seem overwhelming, so start by adopting one or two.’

1 RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF

The relationship you have with yourself influences every other relationship in your life.

It is central to your wellbeing, so it is essential to know yourself and accept and support who you find yourself to be. There may be many conflicting and confusing messages going on in your mind, so writing in a journal can be a useful way to clarify what is going on inside, giving you the information to ensure you find the right support.

2 RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS

Relationships require self-knowledge, commitment and time, as well as love. It helps to recognise that as you change in life, so your relationships will change – with your partner, family and friends. You need to find ways of communicating your love and what you need, as well as having difficult but important conversations. The secret power in communication is the capacity to be able to listen actively, with your heart and your eyes, paying attention to what is being said, and not just rehearsing what you want to say next.

3 EMOTIONS

Although you cannot control what you feel, you can take steps to master yourself. Awareness is the first step; knowing what your triggers are. Remember HALT: hungry, angry, lonely, tired. These are vulnerable times when you could, for instance, fire off an angry text. When you see a likely trigger heading in your direction, take a breath. The big step is to slow down and take time out.

4 TIME

Our relationship with time is radically altered as we age, as we have a scary sense of our mortality. Time also has different hues, depending on our mood – when we are unhappy, time seems to slow down. What helps is to try to stay mindful, and this means focusing your attention on the present. Do not think about the future. Accept that adapting to change takes longer than anyone wants or expects. You cannot fight it or wilfully hasten it. So give yourself time to make decisions, especially the life-changing ones.

5 MIND AND BODY

Taking regular exercise is a cornerstone of a healthy life and it is never too late to start. Cardiovascular exercise is the fast-track route to de-stressing your body; stress levels wind up with the daily juggle of life, but running, walking or doing sports can instantly decrease them, as well as releasing the feelgood hormone dopamine. Follow this with a relaxation/meditation exercise that helps you manage your anxiety. And give yourself a treat when you have completed these tasks – this will help embed it as a regular habit.

6 BOUNDARIES

As you age, many different limitations may emerge, including your capacity for what you can take on in life. It is important to actively address this rather than battling to do what you have always done. Learn how to say ‘no’ with conviction. Introduce boundaries, which are crucial to maintaining a sense of order in a world that can seem overwhelming. Recognise the limits of what you can control, change and influence – not confusing hope or will with reality.

7 STRUCTURE

Having structure helps to stabilise you and gives you a foundation on which to stand when your world feels shaky. Develop good habits, such as:

● Exercising first thing;

● Making time for work or chores;

● Taking time to reflect on the present and on the past;

● Doing soothing, calming things;

● Adopting a good sleep routine.

8 FOCUS

In the busy-ness of our minds, as we often ruminate on what we cannot change, frustration can build up. Usually it sits in the body – people often talk about it as feeling numb, or a blockage in their throat, or discomfort in the stomach. Often there are no words for these bodily sensations, Focusing is a way of finding those words. Try this technique that I ask my clients to do:

● Close your eyes, then breathe in and out deeply and slowly three times;

● Move your attention internally;

● Move your attention around your body until you find the place where there is most sensation;

● Breathe into that place;

● Find a word that describes that place – does it have a shape or colour? Is it hard, is it soft?

● If the image could speak, what would it say?

● Then follow where the image takes you.

• This Too Shall Pass (Penguin Life) by Julia Samuel is out on 5 March