How to be a good friend to someone who has lost a loved one

Not all of us will have lost someone ourselves this year, but many of us will know someone who has. What can you say and do to help them cope?

ACCEPT THE MOOD SWINGS

Your friend is likely to be feeling very conflicted about celebrating. They may be questioning if it is okay to ‘let go and enjoy it’, as this might evoke feelings of guilt. They may feel unable to act happy and join in, and this too could lead to guilt about bringing the mood down. Understand that however they are feeling at any one time – and it is likely to swing from one to the other – guilt is likely to be present. Encourage them to feel however they need to and help them understand that both are natural and only to be expected.

DON’T ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR FRIEND – FOLLOW, DON’T LEAD

Let them know they are not a burden and that you want to hear from them. Being surrounded by images of happy families enjoying each other’s company may make them feel their lack and loneliness even more keenly. This coincides with a time when many of their support networks – friends or having work to go to – are all unavailable. They may well be feeling that it is wrong to disturb you at this family time. Contact them regularly and tell them you love them. Offer an open invitation to call or call round and let them know it’s casual and there is no pressure.

FORGIVE LAST-MINUTE CANCELLATIONS

When it comes down to it, another gathering that seemed like a good idea at the time may suddenly feel unbearable. Accept that they could let you down at the last minute.

LET THEM DROP THE MASK

They may feel the need to pretend to be ‘okay’ even more than normal so as not to bring down the prevailing mood, or because they have children or other family members for whom they want to make it ‘nice’. Tell them it’s okay to drop the mask with you.

ALLOW THE PAIN

You may want to give your friend a fantastic Christmas to make up for their rough year, but feeling sad is not something to jolly them out of or suppress. It may even shame them if they are sad when everyone around them is telling them it is a time of joy. It is important to acknowledge that Christmas can be difficult and if they don’t feel like entering into the spirit, that is fine. The best present you can give them is not to pretend, but to remain honest. A ‘great’ or ‘perfect’ Christmas is not going to make up for the bad year that preceded it, so don’t try to make it so.

Languages Of Loss (Yellow Kite) by Sasha Bates is available now in hardback, ebook and on audio