HOW TO BE A BETTER LISTENER
Sound advice to help you tune in
My dad was a volunteer for Samaritans and I always felt inspired by the idea of him making a difference to the lives of strangers through the simple act of listening. So when I left my corporate job, I jumped at the chance to work for the charity. Active listening has helped me be there for my family during a difficult few years, too. We lost a loved one to cancer and the grief was tough to navigate. Then came a global pandemic and the loss of freedom and certainty.
Whenever things feel hard, I try to move away from talking into a listening space. The moment you realise someone is trying to work something out for themselves, and that your role is to help coax it out rather than shut it down with your own interpretation or advice, can feel like a real revelation. It is what will help us be there for one another in a much more meaningful way.
Listen, don’t just hear
Listening is a really underrated yet important skill. We hear things all the time; background music, street noise, people chatting… But active listening is about really paying attention and taking in what’s going on beneath the surface level.
Have you ever had a conversation in which you were half-listening to someone talk, but spending most of the time lining up a reply in your head – a witty anecdote, an example of when the same thing happened to you or what you advised a friend to do in a similar situation? While you might think it’s helpful to tell that person about your own experience, a good listener will tap into what the speaker is getting at, ask them probing questions, seek out detail, and try to understand more about what they’re talking about.
Giving someone a safe space to be heard with empathy and without judgement can help them understand what they are going through and be a catalyst for addressing difficult or emotional issues. Exploring feelings alleviates distress, helps people to reach a better understanding of their situation and can help them find a way through the problem.
Truly listening to someone in a way that allows them to feel heard is about taking the time to really understand what is being said, without interrupting and offering up your own opinions. It’s giving meaning to what you hear and reading between the lines, clarifying what you have heard to get to the root of the issue in a gentle way. Your job as a listener is to keep the person talking and elaborating until they feel they have said all they need to.
How to start a difficult conversation
When you’re talking about a tricky issue, begin by giving the person your time and undivided attention, putting away your phone and focusing on them, letting them know you are invested and that they are important. Sometimes, it might feel too intense to sit opposite someone and have a face-to-face conversation, so go for a walk or do an activity where you are side by side instead. This can lessen the feeling of confrontation, and there is a sense of comfort in knowing that, at some point, you will reach a destination and the conversation will come to a natural close.
It can be hard to identify emotional distress in others, and issues can manifest in many ways, but trust your instincts. If someone you know is behaving differently, send a message that says, ‘Just to let you know, I’m here for you if you ever want to talk.’ Even if that person isn’t ready to yet, they might begin to think about the process of recognising their feelings and opening up to what that might mean. Have courage to check in with others and, remember, you won’t make anything worse simply by asking if someone is okay.
When we’re having emotionally charged conversations with loved ones, we hate to see them suffer. It’s a natural human instinct to rush in, fix the situation, take that person’s pain away and make it all better. But remember, this is about them, not you. Advice about what you once did in a similar situation or tips that worked for you might not be right for the person you are listening to. We’re all different and we all react in different ways, so put yourself to one side.
Good listening breaks down when you begin to give advice. If you find yourself saying ‘Have you tried…’, ‘Why don’t you just…’, ‘When that happened to me, I…’, pause, and then give the floor back to the person talking. Offer gentle words of encouragement, or open questions such as ‘Can you tell me a bit more about that?’.
Once someone feels held in that safe space where they are not being judged for anything they say, the power of validation will begin to build their self-belief back up and empower them to understand what it is that they want to do. If you jump in and give advice or offer up solutions, you will take that power away and this can result in confusion or feelings of low self-worth. The person may feel they can’t get anything right, because what you’re inadvertently doing is saying, ‘You’re clearly not okay, so I need to fix this for you.’ Although that comes from a place of love and genuine goodwill, it’s much more beneficial to flip the narrative to say: ‘I believe in you,
I’m here with you and I’m going to stand alongside you while you work out what’s going on because
I know you have the ability to do that.’
People know their own thoughts better than anyone else, so they are best placed to find their own solutions. They might just need help in remembering that.
How To Listen: Tools For Opening Up Conversations When It Matters Most (Kyle Books, £12.99) by Katie Colombus and Samaritans is out now
Good listening breaks down when you begin to give advice