Why is ‘no’ never a no when it comes from a woman?

I NEVER MEANT TO BE bad at saying no. But saying yes became part of the fabric of everyday life without me ever questioning it. In fact, I saw it as a strength in my character – the woman who always said yes, no matter what was asked of her. A good friend. A good partner. A good employee. Professionally, I excelled at my work, always took on more, always stayed late, always got promoted or got it done. Saying yes meant I was respected, a strong leader and team member, and people liked me. And this, after all, was the ultimate goal. Or so I thought. It was only during an abusive relationship that I realised, after spending days trying to explain/beg/apologise for any no I did say, that no matter how many times I said yes, it was never enough. I, and so many other women, have been conditioned to think saying no is somehow a character flaw. I had become fenced in by rejecting a word that was vital to my well-being. I woke up one day and thought, ‘What am I doing?’

Last month, I was with a group of 

people in the early hours of the morning, when they asked me to give a lift to a man I’d never met. I said no immediately. Alarm bells were ringing and I knew – deep down, for the first time in my life – that I didn’t have to give reasons. I could just say no, firmly but politely. The man’s reaction was, ‘Are you saying I’m a rapist?’ This seemed such a huge leap from my, ‘No, sorry,’ to a mention of rape. I drove home alone.

Afterwards, I posted a series of tweets about it, mainly to get it clear in my head. The reaction I got was phenomenal. For three days, my phone pinged incessantly as woman after woman commented on and shared my tweets, told me how important they were or said thank you for expressing something they couldn’t express. I felt understood and vindicated, but I also felt… something’s really wrong here. Why is something as simple, and necessary, as saying no so hard? And why is it a specifically female problem?

Stephanie Lawrence, an integrative psychotherapist who works in private practice in London, says this is a common issue. ‘I spend a lot of my time educating women, literally teaching them that they have the right to say no. Working through the shame and guilt of having and clearly expressing needs and limits is a struggle for a lot of my female clients.’

Chloe, 32, who works in education, told me, ‘I always said yes to what friends asked of me, whether it’s an expensive hen weekend, a night out, whatever. The fear was of what I’d lose if I didn’t, the belief I couldn’t simply be myself and still maintain the friendships. For years, I didn’t know who I was or what I liked, because so much of my time was spent saying yes to things I didn’t want to do.’

Her friend Lois, 36, an office manager, agrees. ‘I still find saying no makes me uncomfortable. I hate letting someone down. Not being a good friend. Not being supportive. I’ve gone to so many events I haven’t wanted to, like the umpteenth baby shower when I craved a child of my own. I would have liked to have been able to say, “I’m sorry, I’m not feeling up to attending a baby shower but it would be great to catch up another time,” but I felt that was rude or unacceptable. When I did muster a polite “no thank you”, it was often met with non-acceptance. Or judgement. I’d feel bad, then cave in.’

People-pleasing sounds like such a positive thing, but if it’s at the cost of genuine wants you have, it helps nobody. Rachel, 29, a tech worker, recently admitted to her friends she didn’t like clubbing, something she’d been doing since her mid-teens. ‘I have lost a couple of friends through me not being totally the person they want me to be. I know now that I’m kind and giving and I would be there when it counts. That’s what matters to me.’

Some women struggle with trying to say no in the workplace, allowing men to dominate. Sam Missingham, founder of lounge-books.com, has often found herself in meetings with several colleagues where a man talks about an area of the business that is not his realm of expertise. ‘When that discussion point is my area of expertise, I’ll then give my thoughts. The response will be, “Why are you arguing with me?” and I say, “I’m not arguing with you; I’m disagreeing with you. Do you understand the difference?” Sadly, I have seen lots of women who are complicit in this. That don’t speak up even if they disagree with what’s being said in the meeting. Anything for an easy life.’

One thing I’ve discovered is that women have been taught that no is the start of a negotiation – and so have men. A negotiation where, when we run out of reasons, a man’s yes will always trump a woman’s no. This can have more sinister repercussions. Min Grob, domestic abuse campaigner and founder of the Conference on Coercive Control, says, ‘Refusing to hear the word no is very common in coercive and controlling relationships, where the level of sexual coercion is greatly underestimated.’ In these situations, it really doesn’t matter how the no is said at all. In fact, the idea that there is a ‘right’ way to say no is harmful.

It can’t just be about women behaving differently, it has to be about men changing, too. It suits some men to not hear a no, and this is something as a society we need to change.

Lawrence suggests how we interact with children is key. ‘We need our children to know it is totally valid to say no; that they are still loved and lovable no matter what, because they may say no to Brussel sprouts today (big deal), but that will teach them it is totally fine and acceptable to say no to drugs or to some guy trying to force sex on them at a boozy party 10 years down the line.’

When it’s safe to, we need to shut down negotiations and not enter into them. ‘Saying no is simply quiet power and assertiveness,’ says Lawrence. ‘It is about knowing one’s limits in order to be content and comfortable in our environment and being able to let others know what those limits are without shame or guilt or fear of how this may reflect on us.’ She’s right. And that set of tweets? They’re still being retweeted, at least a few times a day, all these weeks later.

WOMEN ARE CONDITIONED TO THINK SAYING NO IS A CHARACTER FLAW, WHEN IT’S VITAL TO WELL-BEING